Weird Complex

Hallo^^

I remembered sthg weird today...
I have this weird space complex.
I wanted to be on my own and yet I want some outer presence.
Doesn't make any sense huh..
Hmmm, how to put this.
It's like in my room.

I don't like it for my room at office to be too 'open'.
Meaning that I don't like people to be able to look into my room, so I have my curtain drawn.
However, at the same time I open my door because if I don't, then I felt suffocated.
I hate to be open but at the same time I refuse to be too isolated.

Weird and complicated.
Maybe that's explain the weird feeling I have everytime I saw my friends together.
I don't like getting out, mixing with people. But when they got together, I felt left out.
What is this feeling?
Wanting to be alone but end up feeling lonely....
It's hard. Everytime I act on my instinct and join them, I felt so stupid for doing so.
Because I'd end up trying hard to 'blend in', which I don't.
But when I refuse to go, I'd end up feeling so.... left out.
I hate myself for this stupid complex.

When would I be normal?
Would I ever be normal?
I suck at being with people, so I try my hardest to stay away from them.
I hate myself!!!!

I hate my current job.
It makes me hate myself even more.
My current job requires me to be confident, sure of myself, decisive, and all the strong characters.
But I am not like that.
I hate conflicts and I hate making decisions.|
I'm easily persuaded and people don't seem to follow my orders.
If only I am a bit firmer....

And I always choose the wrong moment to show my firmness.
Always the wrong situation.

So, bye bye for now....