Can I say I understand how Ohno feels?

Hi again ^^,



Can I say I understand what Ohno feels most of the time?

The feeling of having people pour their feelings to you, but you don't know how to respond to it..?

I had my friend pouring her frustation towards her staffs just now.

I listened to her but I really don't know what to say to ease her..!

This reminded me of what Aiba said about confiding in his Riida.

He said that most of the time Ohno listened without saying anything, so much so that he suscpected if Ohno was listening at all!

If Ohno is in the same situation as ine, then I understand exactly how he felt.

We listened, of course we listened.

But we don't know how to respond!!
------------------------------------

That wa yesterday.
Today I am feeling sleepy. So like Ohno eh,hehe.
I can't help but include him in almost every post I made :P
I can't help it since I am so desperately 'in love' with him.haha
I mean, look at him. That cute oji-san is too adorable for my weak heart!
Not to mention him being multi-talented.
He may not be as bright as Sho or as sharp as Nino and Matsujun, however he is a genius in his own way.
He is a genius in his art and his dance choreography.
It is the same way as Shakespear being a genius in literature.
So there you have it.
The genius Satoshi who can be cute, masculine, sexy and female-like pretty.
It's true yo!
Look at him during his Maou days, or any period where he kept his hair long and black.
I kind of understand why he doesn't like long hair.
Because he looked very pretty like a woman!haha
That and of course he hated the feeling of hair brushing his nape and forehead.fufu
Not to mention it's hot too.
LOL at me!
Look what have you done to me cute old man.
I end up memorising every little things you mention!
I envy te way he can come out with single line that makes everyone laugh.
I guess he really is a gentle person with 'wild' passion.Opps, remember the 2008 scandal?
I refuse to believe it, but deep down inside I knew that it carried some truth in it.
My cute, spaced-out oji-san is a very 'active' and 'wild' person!
haha

Enough ofmy stupid rambling.
I am just killing some time before the 5s auditor comes to our section.
All of us can't seem to be able to do any job!haha

Babai

Is at office again..

Hi,
I tried.
I really tried.
Still, being at office is definitely not to my liking.
BORING.
Being at office is boring.
Why the hell can't I enjoy my time at office?
I hate my job as well.
I strongly believe that I don't suit this job..
I suck at dealing with people and I actually dislike dealing with people..
Am at fault for hating being with people?
Yep, I admit defeat..
I am aware that no man's an island, but I really suck at being with people.
There are times when I want to be left completely alone.
It's like "Go away! Don't disturb me.."
Weird thing is there are also times when I want to be with people..
Of course that is when I have no Arashi to watch! haha

babai for now, need to settle this stupid 5S thingy.
How boring..!

Is bored..

Hi,

Today I came in late to office.
haish, have very, VERY low motivation when it comes to work.
I have already thinking about going home even BEFORE I reach office.
Haish, I wish I could borrow some of Ohno's motivation.
He whines a lot, but he still get the job done. He still ends up among the earliest person to be at his workplace (wherever it is).
He used to not care about his work.
However after being very late once, though he still made it for the live show,he realized that he'd become a burden not only to his bandmates but also to the staffs of the show.
Eversince that incident, he makes sure that he arrives early.
I can't seem to 'hammer' that logic into my twisted brain.
I know that I've become a burder to those who work with me, still I refuse to change!!
Ohno-san, please come and make my brain works the way it is suppose to work!!
Ohno, you cute adorable old man..I envy you Y_Y

My lunchtime already.Am hungry.
So babai

And the half-siblings matter continues to 'bug' me

Hi,

Can I choose to continue being indifferent towards my half-siblings?
They have never been in the picture, and I still live on.
Yes, I admit that I yearn for siblings..But not this kind of siblings.
I want siblings who grew up WITH me, who'd stay by my side and comfort me..
They did NOT grew up with me, they're NEVER there for me.
I don't hate them.
How could I when I've never known them!
I don't have the right to despise them when they've never done anything to me.
Hating them is similar to hating every other strangers that I'd meet! It's impossible yo!

You may ask why the sudden outbreak..
My dad, the 'pak haji' came just now.
I asked him where did he come from..
It seemed that he's back from the airport to see his 2nd son off.
I think I'm the one who started it *damned me!*
I was just telling that out of the 6 half-siblings, I didn't salam with the 2nd son when I was at THEIR house the other day.
All of sudden, my dad talked about the 2nd son mentioning something about wanting us, yes, ME INCLUDED to meet, like having reunion or something.
Yep, reunion without the parents' presence.
I was like "....."
I am doing just fine without you guys.
I don't think it's too much to say that I don't need you guys..
*though if my dad passed away, I'll be needing my older brothers to be my wali.OMG!!!*
So, I still need them???!

I don't hate them.
It's just that I've lived my entire life without them in the picture and now I need to include them..?
There are six of them, growing up TOGETHER.
And I am alone. Has always been alone.
Somewhere along the road, I started to be introvert.
I started to shun people away, I started to welcome loneliness.
I can't accept people because I'm scared of them.
I'm scared of what would people think of me.
I know that I suck at a lot of things, and I am scared that people would hate me because of my lacking/weaknesses.
I prefer to distant myself BEFORE they hate me because of me.
So, yes.
I prefer to be alone.

Stop!
I know what I'm thinking.
Feeling like I am the VICTIM!
Hello to Nadya, the world doesn't only revolve around you.
Do not over think about it.
If my half-siblings want to come in the picture, so be it.
If they choose not to get involve further, so be it.
Though I've noticed one thing.
I could not for the life of me refer to them as Abg Long, Abg Ngh, or Kak Long etc.
I'd be referring to them as the 1st son, the 2nd son, the wife of the 1st son..
haha
Sorry, I just can't bring myself to call them that.
The words feel so 'alien' to my tongue..
huhu

So yeah, I am still stuck with low self-esteem.
Riida, I envy you.
It's awesome the way I'd be singing either Take Me Faraway or Shizuka na yoru ni every time I feel like I can't control my feeling.
Ohno Satoshi, you are such a special being.
Please continue to be you and I hope I'd be able to share some of your good points too..

Babai..

The ever depressed me..

Hi,

Please knock some senses to my disfunctional brain..!
I've been doing the same job scope for the past 2 years and I learn NOTHING!
Even I myself am dissapointed by my incompetence, let alone others who work with me..
I tried but then nothing seems to change.
Maybe I didn't try hard.
I know I didn't try hard.
Like now. I told myself that I'd be finishing some unfinished task.
But look at me, I'm writing here..!
Sheesh, be more responsible!!
OHHH< Ganbarimasu!!!

Hi^^

I knew it!!
November & December are the months where internet will be slow..!
Damned it!!

Anyway,
I wanted to write about what happened yesterday.
My dad came back from performing haji in Mekah.
So yeah, I went to the airport to *what is menyambut in english anyway..!* see him.
Since he went there with his wife and his elder son (my half-brother), it's inevitable that I met the other half-siblings that I have.
weee!! *is not that happy*
My paternal relatives were asking me if I would go to my dad's house.
I couldn't say I would, wouldn't I?
It's his home with his OTHER family. I wouldn't go if I'm not welcomed!
To have the long story short, my dad kind of invited me to his house.
I couldn't really say no, or else I would be seen as rude daughter.
So I said yes.
Which led to me to his house for the FIRST time ever!
24 years..After 24 years and eleven months of being born in this world,yesterday was the first time I stepped into their home sweet home.

I'm going to make a confession.
For a moment, I felt envious.
They (my half-siblings) have a home.
They have their own place to call home.
They have each other.
And I only have my mom.
I'm not saying that it's not enough..
It's just I've been wanting siblings for so long, it feels ridiculous.
They're so close, yet so far to reach.
I want to be in the picture too..
wow, I don't even know I have that desire..
Though when I was there, I was void of any feeling.
I guess that's how I protect myself.
I stopped thinking.
I let myself to be sucked in, I let my thought to wander.
I stopped feeling.
huhu
Because if I started thinking then I'm sure I wouldn't be able to sit there like it was nothing,
like the whole things had nothing to do with me.
I stop caring because in the end, it's me who's going to get hurt.


Since I had the awesome defense mechanism on, I pretty much sat there like I had always done that before.
I am awesome!
I didn't feel anything! Not the slightest emotion came across my face!
It's either I'm awesome or I'm suffering from some weird mental disease..
haha
I mean, how could I feel nothing?
How could I sat there and blend in like it was something I did everyday?
Seriously, I think there is something wrong with me!

Though maybe I could have my hope high with my 3rd brother.
He called out for our younger sister and had her salam with me.
So, maybe he's not that bad..
I don't know, I don't want to have my hope that high.
At leastIi won't be utterly crushed if it crashes down.huhu
I am actually a fun person yo!--> is trying to tell that to her half-siblings..

Yabai!!
I feel like crying now..
This is what happens once I let my brain works..
I'm human after all, I can't be void of any feeling...
It's hard for me to share things like this with others because it's scary.
It's only when I was really down that I'd start talking.
But when I regain my composure, I'd regret ever telling people my pathetic story.
I've told Lin about this.
I couldn't help it.
I was a bit devastated the day I went to the airport that sent off my dad to mekah.
Maybe I was a bit stressed with the by-election and all that I told her.
Hopefully, she didn't remember that.fufu

Yah,
I should stop writing.
It makes me feel more pathetic that I already had..
babai

I can have my 'perasan' moment too :P

Hi^^

I'm back from Johor!!
That 4-days seminar was motivational...to some point..
Anyways, more good news..!
I am no longer a contract officer!
so yeah, I think I suck at writing..
Can't properly write what I am feeling at the moment...


Anyway,
I become very 'perasan' during the SKMI seminar.
LOL.
I got perasan that there's this one guy who seemed like he wanted to talk me.
It's not like he WANTED to talk to me.
I believe that he's the type that want to be populur, to be known by others.
As such, he tries to talk to everyone.
Being the shy me, I didn't really respond well to his chatter.
I assume that it bothered him when I didn't succumb to his charm. hehe
It felt like he kept trying to talk to me.
It didn't help that he's in group 3 and I was in group 4.
His group was seated on my right.huhu
He's actually quite good looking, so I got very perasan la!!hehe
I am fully aware that there's no way he likes me. Nope, of course not!
I just like to bask in the glory of making him felt like he couldn't approach me!!
haha
talk about very perasan me!!
It just so happen that I bumped into him every now and then.
Even in Putrajaya yesterday, fate had it that even among 1 thousand ++ people that present in the hall, he happened to sat one row from my seat, and we actually locked eyes!
haha
I think he recognizes me since I'm friend to the famous SKMI's emcee, my friend hajar.
He starts talking to my friend after she successfully displayed her awesome talent as emcee.
Or maybe I am just perasan and he doesn't even recognize me!!hehe
Ah, the perasan me is very perasan!!
haha
Allow me to bask in this perasaan yang memang perasan ini!!
hehe
Though I have one word to say to him "sorry"..
I don't mean to act like I don't like you or anything, it's just that I'm very shy!
I always end up looking like a snob because of that.
I'm too shy I prefer not talking at all..fufu
Oh well, I think I got over my perasan already.
hehe

I have my baka moment too ^^

Hi^^

I made such a careless mistake, I can't help but laugh at myself.
In fact, I wanted to laugh so badly my body is shaking hard!
I look like a person suffering with Parkinson yo!
It's all because of stupid doc title :P
I was supposed to send Grad Invitation but I wrote it as 'Status Pelaksanaan Projek/Program Di Galas" LOL
It was so stupid I feel like crying!!
haha

It's already Thursday, Dec 2nd

Hi^^

Wow, time does fly huh?
The other day I was watching Arashi in a varitey show, NEP League.
It's sort of game show testing one's general knowledge.
I remembered feeling all giddy waiting for someone to subb the whole show.
Which was aired on (if I'm not mistaken) 3rd January 2010.
I only got to see it subbed around 28th of NOVEMBER 2010!
I was like " Eh? It feels like I only watched it last month..!"
Now I come to think about it, I was dreading me getting 24 years old when I first watch them.
And now I'm dreading of becoming 25!!
Yabai!!
One year older with no tut tut you know what..
People would be asking, "Haven't you have one? You can't be serious!!"
Yes, I'm serious. What about it? Ada saya kesah?
haha

So, yeah Ohno you old man.
I kind of understand you ^^
I used to dream about those things.
However, when I reach a certain point in my life, I just accept it the way it is.
haha
I'm getting older..
It's awesome how I always revert myself to think of Ohnowhenever I'm feeling down.
He's like the source of my motivation!
huhu
Though I do end up feeling worse when I think of him.
That baka Riida is cute and is loved by almost everyone.
Couldn't I 'steal' some of his charming quality for my own use?
Nino is right.
Aiba is right.
Matsujun is right.
I never know about Sho.
You can't help but end up wanting to have it easy for Ohno.
He only needs to be there and people would do their best to give him comfort.
Not that I can blame him.
He's natural at having pitiful look.
Heck, he is pitiful.
But when he smiles, ahhhhhhhhhh.He's like the cutest being ever.
He has a cute giggle too :)
Haih, I want to be as cute as Ohno Satoshi too Y_Y

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Mei 2nd, 2013

I'm already 27!!
Argghhhhhhh, I feel so old Y_Y
Time does fly.
There I was *point above* worrying that I was 24-25.
And now I'm already 27!!!
Gosh,please don't let time fly this fast!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the bleak atmosphere continues..

Hi..

It's official that I suck at doing my job..
And I suck at life as a whole too..
How do I end up being such a loser??
I hate coming to work, I hate myself for yelling at my mom.
I hate myself for being me..
So yeah, I suck as a being..!