Emmm,, hi..?

Hello!!
Happy New Year!
Yep, welcome 2016 '^-^

So, it has been two years eh? Ehehe..he
Two eventful years. fuhhhh.
I've changed workplace 3 times since the last time I wrote here.
When I reread my earlier posts, I ended up laughing.
I sure have problems with writing maturely, haven't I?
To be frank, I am still having that problem.

Anyways, a little update on my life.
In January 2014, I was transferred to JPJ Selangor.
There was restructuring done by JPA, where they appointed JPJ's officers instead of my people.
I believe I've never disclosed my profession so I'll just refer to it as 'my people'.huhu
It wasn't even a month after that I was again transferred.
This time to JPJ HQ in Putrajaya.
hmmmm, working in HQ was a nightmare to me.
I ended up being problematic, rebellious and flat out lazy.
Urghh, just typing about it bring back bad memories.
Once again, I clashed with my Director.
I did doubt myself okey.
It felt like I was the problematic one.
What are the odds that I ended up with a lousy boss again, right?
People say that if you're having problem with everybody, it might be that YOU are the problem, not everyone else.
However, this boss beat the others by miles in terms of being a lousy boss!

I do not want to 'slaughter' him here, because I know that I am far from being a perfect staff myself.
It is enough to say that I did stand up to him big time.
I have never dream of having confrontation with my boss, but with him, I'd done it multiple times, up to my last day.
Oh yeah, in November 2015, I got promoted and was able to transfer back to Kelantan. wooohoooo.
I now served at JKJR Kelantan ^_^


One more thing, my father passed away in August 2015.
On the 21st, if my memory serves me right.
It's queer, isn't it?
This should be the highlight of my post, the death of my father is no small matter, right?
Until today, I am still disconnected with him.
I am so sorry dad.
That's just how our relationship goes.
Cold and disconnected.

Okey, writing about my father's death reminds me of my half-siblings.
God, I beginning to hate them.
Remember before this, I told you that I do not have any feelings towards them.
No resentment and of course no love. Duhh.
However, after my father died it felt like they are trying to force their presence in my life.
Helloooo, we are strangers.
Our whole life, we have never reach out to each other.
They live their lives, I live mine.
And all of sudden, they barge in into my life just like that.

I won't back off this time.
I should consider your feeling?
What about my feeling?
Have you ever see it from my perspective?
I have been an only child my entire life.
You guys have each other AND our father since the beginning of your live.
Yes, I once yearned for siblings.
Well, that was a long long long time ago.
I am almost 30 now ( in 11 days, i'm getting older T_T)
It was too little too late, don't you think?

So yeah,
That's basically what had happened to me these past two years.
I promise to write more frequently ( I'll try!!) because I love writing.
It reminds me of the little thing (or not too little) that happens in my life.


Babai!!

* Ah, no Ohno-thingy ninja-ing in this post. :P

2 Months & 18 Days..

And I'll be 28.
28 years OLD.
Imagine that..
28 years old and I'm still like 'this'
I swear to myself that I'd change, but look at me..
Have I changed? Have I turned over a new leaf?
I have NOT, have I..?

You might be wandering why the sudden writing again, huh? huhuhu...
Today, during lunch (or rather on our way back from having lunch) my friend, the other officer, revealed something to me.
Apparently the no 1 boss in my office thinks that I don't really do my job.
My initial response was that of a calm demeanor.
Because I myself was thinking the same too.
But then, I realised 'Hey, I DID do my work"
Back then during the "majlis penutup" (can't find that word in Englis xp) for that S***, I was going back and fro trying to make sure that everything went smoothly.
My boss? HE was only there for rehearsal the night before the event.
The rehearsal, that in my opinion, is NOT a rehearsal at all. Baik xyah buat pun. Bazir masa tido ak je!!

I don't know...
If he felt that I'm not doing a good enough job, then why didn't he tell me?
Why didn't he give me directions, give me guidance?
Instead he complained to my friend.
Sometimes I feel like he treated me that way because I choose to disagree with him on more than one occasions.
The reason why?
He's stingy!!
So damn stingy that it makes my blood boils!!
You know, I myself DO NOT support spending government's money for petty reasons.
However, when you want to hold a big event BUT you refuse to give some allocation for that?
That's ridiculous!! 
S*** is this important event for my department.
My boss, he wanted to have it BIG, but the budget was like...are u f****** me???
And then, there's another instances when he firmly ordered us to buy "drinking water" instead of "mineral water" for this joran sthg event.
The participants paid RM35 each. They were forced to buy the coupon, the least we could do is to provide them with things that worth the RM35 the were forced to pay.
I can't accept that. That's cheap.
The way he went about the matter is "We need to minimize the cost so we could gain more profit. It's for our use too"
"Our use" my a**!!!
And then there's the jamuan raya. Apparently they had it at night before this.Where?
At the office. Yup, imagine that.
Jamuan raya, at night, at office.
Kalu buat kat hotel, ak boleh terima. Tapi, ofis?? OFFICE?
The reason why is to cut budget. Obviously, other departments won't be coming, right?

This year, we have it at the office, but during the day.
Problem is, we'd expecting many people since we deal with a lot of customers during the day.
And then there's nearby departments.
However, he only gave us allocation for 200-300 persons.
I saw with my own eyes this one uncle that queue but didn't get to eat.
And where was him during this??
Safely away at a meeting.
Gosh,I always end u with extreme bosses.
The one that spend extra lavishly and this one that's extra stringy!!!!

Man, I just can't make myself agree with him.
He doesn't listen to what I want to say.
He's stubborn and a typical senior gov servant, where their words rule.
Well, I'm sorry but if I see it wrong, then I will not going to follow blindly.
And I'm sorry if I'm not a 'kaki kipas"'
He does not know that I don't have plan to go further with my current job.
Honestly, I don't think I care.
I am positive that I can take it calmly if I never move up in this line of work.
Because the higher I get, the more responsibility that I have to bear.
And I don't think that I am ready to bear that burden just yet.

So, yeah..
I'm forever pessimistic and negative..

So yeahh, I need an Ohno in my life. HA. You don't see it coming, do you?? xp
Ohno never fail to sneak himself in my entry..
Now, I wish more than ever to become him.
I wish we could have traded place one day, and he'd help in making people to like me..
He has that effect on people..
Get to know him and you'd be attracted to him, in the same way the 4 members of Arashi adore him.
Ii ne, Ohno Satoshi.
The ever sweet, gentle,adorable, dorky, beautiful, kakkoi Riida..
You're lucky to be you..

I was four.FOUR years old, and yet I didn't recognize him...

Tuesday, 02/07/2013. 12 a.m

Hi,

Okey, I cried just now.hahaha
My mom went to Puchong with Kak Long, so I have the house all to myself.
And when I am alone, well, I tend to 'express' my feeling. To myself.

Lately, I've been 'hating' my dad.
I just don't feel like picking up his calls.
So, he sort of went "Fine, if you're not talking to me, so be it. Two can play this game."
He didn't say that to me.hahaha
It's just how it went. He stops calling and stop dropping by, which I welcomed.
I don't like it when he came.

Anyway, I was examining why I have this sudden urge to avoid him.
To tell the truths, there's few incidents.
Incidents that make we go "Am I not your daughter? What am I then????"
Of course, I just shouted it in my head..

While thinking about that, I just remembered 'that' day.
The day my parents filed for divorce.
I was 4 back then, so it makes it 23 years ago.

I remembered my mom dressed me up in gown.
I remembered feeling happy, probably because it was a new gown.
We went to the court.
I think we were in the first floor, and my mom asked me to go up on the second floor and see if my dad was there.
My mom was waiting at the bottom of the stairs.
I don't know why she didn't go up and look for my dad herself.
Perhaps she was sad? It IS the day they would end their marriage after all.
I don't know...
Nah, I think she's more in a bad mood then sad.hehehe

Anyway,
I remembered climbing the stairs,feeling rather important.
Don't ask me why I felt that, I don't even know myself. Maybe for a 4-year-old kid, it felt like such an important task?
I saw a man, sitting on one of the benches, nearest to the stairs.
His arms were on his knees, and he had his head between his hands.
And then I turned around, happily announcing to my mom that "No, dad was not here".

My mom kind of got upset with me and went up herself.
The little me was like "What did I do wrong????"

My mom said that my dad WAS there, on the second floor.
Remember the man that I saw sitting on the bench?
That was him. My dad.

When I relived that memory just now, it was like I'm hit right on my face.
I was four and I didn't recognize my dad.
Let's rewrite that sentence.
WHEN I WAS 4, I STILL DIDN'T RECOGNIZE MY DAD.

I saw him and I didn't know it's him.
Good news was, he saw me too.
HE SAW ME  AND YET HE DIDN'T CALL OUT TO ME.
What does that mean??
That HE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME TOO???

I was 4 years old that time, NOT 4 MONTHS OLD.
I used to say that I grew up without my dad.
I never thought that I am VERY true.

I guess that I didn't see him around that much during the early 4 years of my life.
It's a no wonder that I didn't recognize him and him not recognizing me as well.

And this is the man that I need to call my father??
Again and again, he makes me feel like an outcast.
I never want him in my life.
He's the one intruding our life and yet, he's the one who abandon me every single time he was afraid that my stepmom would know he's with me.
THE HELL?
What am I then? Stupid?
Like that time when we went to Pok Cik Husin's house for his daughter kenduri kahwin.
He flat out refuse to admit that we came together.
So what if we came together?
I"M HIS DAUGHTER!

I can't take it anymore. Everytime I give him another chance, he blew it.
I'm just a normal human being. How much disappointment and sadness can I stand before I went nuts???

That memory, that day at the court, it was always there at the back of my head.
I've never wanted to think too much about it. I dismiss it.
But it is there, all this time.
Maybe that's the reason I can never let myself to trust him to be the good father he pretended to be.
He never was there when I grew up.
I did grow up without him.

And I hate the fact that I need him to be my wali if I ever get married.
And if he's not there, then I'd be needing my half-brothers.
Why do I still have to be connected to them?
They were never in the picture, so why do they have to be in now???

I just can't forgive.Not at the moment.

Babai.

Weird Complex

Hallo^^

I remembered sthg weird today...
I have this weird space complex.
I wanted to be on my own and yet I want some outer presence.
Doesn't make any sense huh..
Hmmm, how to put this.
It's like in my room.

I don't like it for my room at office to be too 'open'.
Meaning that I don't like people to be able to look into my room, so I have my curtain drawn.
However, at the same time I open my door because if I don't, then I felt suffocated.
I hate to be open but at the same time I refuse to be too isolated.

Weird and complicated.
Maybe that's explain the weird feeling I have everytime I saw my friends together.
I don't like getting out, mixing with people. But when they got together, I felt left out.
What is this feeling?
Wanting to be alone but end up feeling lonely....
It's hard. Everytime I act on my instinct and join them, I felt so stupid for doing so.
Because I'd end up trying hard to 'blend in', which I don't.
But when I refuse to go, I'd end up feeling so.... left out.
I hate myself for this stupid complex.

When would I be normal?
Would I ever be normal?
I suck at being with people, so I try my hardest to stay away from them.
I hate myself!!!!

I hate my current job.
It makes me hate myself even more.
My current job requires me to be confident, sure of myself, decisive, and all the strong characters.
But I am not like that.
I hate conflicts and I hate making decisions.|
I'm easily persuaded and people don't seem to follow my orders.
If only I am a bit firmer....

And I always choose the wrong moment to show my firmness.
Always the wrong situation.

So, bye bye for now....

Post Malaysian GE13 time~

Hi^^

Yep, I'm at office. So that's why I write :P

I am proud to announce that at the age of 27, I have successfully vote for the first time!!
hahahaha
To tell the truth, I was already eligible to vote in the 12th GE in 2008.
I was 22 when the 12th GE took place and this is suppose to be my 2nd time voting.
However, being the ignorant brat that I was, I didn't register my name with SPR.hehehe
Well, what do you expect. I was still studying back then! hohoho


Anyway, I want to share something today :-

By Fedtri Yahya

Khas untuk ibu bapa sekalian.... Tahukah anda bahawa.. :

1. Anak tunggal slalunye lambat cakap.  - in my case, a late walker XP

2. Anak pompuan ckp byk 3 kali daripada lelaki - I guess I can be quite talkative at times..??

3. Bermain dgn anak2 meningkatkan kegembiraan emosi mereka - this explain my emotional 
     instability... But I used to be a very happy kid! Smiling wide in all those pictures..What had happened..?

4. Anak lelaki suke fizikal touch dgn bapak. Main ultramen, pergi padang.Klu anak lelaki x dpt fizikal touch die akan suke bergaduh dgn adik2 die - will bear this in mind.Once I have kids..If ever... 

5. Interaksi antara ibu bapa dan anak dgn bermain akan membina bonding antara anak dan parent - Y_Y

6. Anak2 pun stress sbb x keluar rumah. So cuba cari masa bawa anak keluar dari rumah.

7. Anak perempuan mempunyai potensi lebih besar dari sudut kemahiran berbahasa (verbal)

8. Anak lelaki mempunya potensi yg lebih besar dari sudut kemahiran visuospatial (ruang). Asuh kelebihan ini dengan memberikan mereka peluang bersukan seperti bola sepak, menunggang basikal. Doktor galakan belikan anak basikal kerana ini akan meningkatkan skill mereka

9. Kanak-kanak yg mempunyai kemahiran membaca akan mempunyai kemahiran bertutur dan berbahasa yang baik

10. Kanak2 yg sering berdamping rapat dgn bapa mereka didapati lebih berdaya saing dlm byk hal. Lebih berkeyakinam diri, sayangkan diri sendiri, mudah menyesuaikan diri di sekolah, kemahiran interpersonal yg baik. - Like really??? So I can officially blame my father for my condition? It is his fault then that I am such a low-esteemed pathetic person...! 
If I ever have a kid, I'll try not to do this them. I never want to live the life that I've been living. 
It really pathetic to feel sorry for yourself all the time.
It's like a prison. I can't never escape from it.
At the end of the day, I will always go back to being negative, thinking that I don't deserve any happiness....

So, before I get more depressed I'll stop here.
Babai...

New Ministry, New Department!!!

Hi^^

As usual, I lied again.
Haven't been writing as much as I said I would, have I??

Anyway, I've gone through the six-month course DPA successfully.
Usually, we the PTD officers from that course would go back to our previous ministry/department.
However, luck has it that our batch, the 42nd batch, are instructed to be relocated to new ministries/departments.

Well, in one hand, I'm actually elated that I'm finally able to switch department.
Oh, by the way I'm currently serving Jabatan Pengangkutan Jalan Kelantan under the Ministry of Transportation.

However, in another, I'm quite shocked to find out that my new office is a bit stringent when it comes to spending department's allocation.
I don't expect them to lavishly spend money on us, but flight tickets are normal spending in JPP.

I guess that every place has its advantages and disadvantages.
Hopefully, life here wouldn't be as hectic as it was in JPP.
Hoping for a better working environment and a better me.
InsyaAllah...

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri 1432H

Wednesday, 31/08/2011
2.30 pm


Hello ^^

Today is the 2nd day that we Muslims celebrate Eid.
2nd day and I'm already 'imprisoned' myself in my home.huhu
Typical me...

I don't know why I reject strongly to mixing with people.
Relatives, friends..
I prefer to be on my own, doing pretty much nothing than going out, bonding with those around me.
It's funny.
I'd always end up thinking about Ohno when I touch this matter.
I can't help it.
argggggg!!
I keep thinking that we are sort of similar.
So why does he receive so much love from people around him when I do not???

Remember Nadya, remember.
He's not like you, and you're not like him.
He's gentle and considerate.
You're not.
Yes, he may likes to spend time on his own. But he also spend times with his friends.
His tsuri friend, his raji-tomo..
See?? He's adorable that way.
That's why he is loved by those who him.
You're not like him.
That's why you're not loved by those around you..

LOL at me almost shedding tears writing this.
Blame it on Ashita no Kioku playing on my phone right now.
It's a sad song, somehow...

It's 2.45 pm.
And I don't think I'll be going anywhere this day.
Somehow it's comforting.
Knowing that people forget me because I choose to keep a distance.
I'll only have myself to blame for it. Because I choose to, not because they hate me.
It's a bit mental, I know that.huhu
I guess I'm afraid of getting close to people.
I suck at that..
I'd tried to overcome that, I'd tried really hard to get close.
But at the end of the day I'd just get tired.
It's tiresome..At least for me..

Jaa, babai...

Hi^^

Ah, I lied again eh?
I haven't been writing as much as I said I would.
Anyway, I've moved to new division. Finance division.
I thought this would bring new wind of change.
What do you know, I'm still the same old me.
The one who procrastinate a lot.
The one who hates her job.
The one who is cursed with low self-esteem.
So yeah, I'm pathetic..!
How did it turn so gloomy?
I though about writing something happy...:(
Only Ohno Satoshi can make feel cheery.
That is to some extent..

If I think about wanting to be like him, then I'd be really down.
If I saw his face - preferably in tv screen, alive and kicking -I'd be love-struck to maximum level.
There's no way you can hate that chubby-cheek adorable old man.
NO WAY!
He's too cute to be hated...
Cute old man, I envy you Y_Y

Working is like HELL for me!!

SOOOOOOOOOOO,
why do I hate work so much?
Am I that negative that I hate everythig, EVERYTHING?
Stupid office with its ,okay I'm going to be rational, impossible staffs!
Damn it!!!!!
I hate it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Stupid, stupid,stupid!!!
Just listening to the voices outside makes me want to strangle each and every one of them!!
STUPID!!!!!!!!!

-----------------------------
Feb 6th

What the hell??!! *point above*

I must have really lost my mind that day.
I don't even remember why I was so pissed off that day..
I really don't remember!
It's like the weirdest emotional explosion I've ever experienced. It must be VERY weird that I completely forgot what it was about..hmmm

I really only post when I'm at office..

Hi..

I am demotivated again.
What's with me being so lazy, so unmotivated when it comes to my job?
What is it that I look for in my life?
What di I want to do with my life..?
I don't know, I really don't know...

It seems like I'll only post when I'm at office!

Hi ^^



I only post when I'm at office ne.huhu
I can't help it yo!
Being at office is boring, BORING I tell you!
Talking about having no motivation to do my works kind of reminds me to my friend, I.
She would usually cheers me to have motivation to go to work.huhu
Today too, when I sms her saying that I have no motivation, she said something.
Soething like I should be getting myself a 'special' friend a.k.a boyfriend!
LOL, I will not do that!
It's not that I don't believe in love, it's just that I feel like I'm not worthy of it.
The 'me' right not do not deserve it.
Maybe one day, when I feel like I'm worthy of someone's affection thn I'll be looking for one :P

A lot of my friends are either getting married or engaged.
I don't feel envious, in fact I'm happy for them.
It does feel weird, though.
Because when I tried imagining myself in their place, I feel like I would fail it.Totally.
What if I am not meant to have family Y_Y
I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone!!
Yep, I'm getting older.
These days I can't help but keep on thinking about marriage etc etc.
I don't want it now, I'm soooo NOt ready for it now.
I'm too selfish to share my life with someone else..

It's already 2011!

Hi ^^,





Happy New Year!


Akemashite Omedetou Gozaimasu!!





It's been days since I last wrote.


I pretty much forgot recent happenings ~fufu


Owh, we got that damned 5S thing.Thank God!


huhu


Em, what else..


Owh, the other day I was almost involved in an accident yo!


It was entirely my fault.


I kind of spaced out for a moment, got distracted by one pak cik that took the wrong turn.


I was saying to myself " Ui Pak cik. You can't go there.It's one way route la"


And that moment the traffic light turned red.


I saw the many motorcycles started moving, but my spaced out brain was very slow picking it up.


Instead I went " Why are they moving already..?"


I saw the many vehicles started moving, instead of hitting the brakes, I went faster..


It's not until some kind (or maybe angry) souls honked did my brain started functioning again and hit hard on the brake..huhu


I'm very dangerous when I'm spaced out.


That day I was very spaced out though. I didn't even remember why..





Oh, my crazy online-manga-reading antic is back!


I've been staying up late until 5.30 a.m in the morning for 2 consecutive nights!


hoho


Can't blame myself for that.


I've been looking for online Muhyo to Rouji ep 34 adn above for as long as I remember.


Eh wait..What make me start searching for the series again?


Something reminded me of that series, but I couldn't remember what it was called.


So surfed the many manga sites and started to look in the 'M' list. somehow I remembered it started with 'M'. hoho


After I found the title, I started to look for ep 34.


Then I found it in Mangahere.My long-awaited ep.34 is there. ep. 34 up to ep. 126!


Being the enthusiastic manga-freak that I am, I read it all to my heart's content! ehehe



Though what pisses me now is the fact that it stoppe at ep.126 when there are 156 of it.



Where the heck can I find the rest?!!! *is very pissed*

------
I didn't post this before because I want to add something, but I forgot what! huhu

So I'll just post it as it is ^^

Babai

Can I say I understand how Ohno feels?

Hi again ^^,



Can I say I understand what Ohno feels most of the time?

The feeling of having people pour their feelings to you, but you don't know how to respond to it..?

I had my friend pouring her frustation towards her staffs just now.

I listened to her but I really don't know what to say to ease her..!

This reminded me of what Aiba said about confiding in his Riida.

He said that most of the time Ohno listened without saying anything, so much so that he suscpected if Ohno was listening at all!

If Ohno is in the same situation as ine, then I understand exactly how he felt.

We listened, of course we listened.

But we don't know how to respond!!
------------------------------------

That wa yesterday.
Today I am feeling sleepy. So like Ohno eh,hehe.
I can't help but include him in almost every post I made :P
I can't help it since I am so desperately 'in love' with him.haha
I mean, look at him. That cute oji-san is too adorable for my weak heart!
Not to mention him being multi-talented.
He may not be as bright as Sho or as sharp as Nino and Matsujun, however he is a genius in his own way.
He is a genius in his art and his dance choreography.
It is the same way as Shakespear being a genius in literature.
So there you have it.
The genius Satoshi who can be cute, masculine, sexy and female-like pretty.
It's true yo!
Look at him during his Maou days, or any period where he kept his hair long and black.
I kind of understand why he doesn't like long hair.
Because he looked very pretty like a woman!haha
That and of course he hated the feeling of hair brushing his nape and forehead.fufu
Not to mention it's hot too.
LOL at me!
Look what have you done to me cute old man.
I end up memorising every little things you mention!
I envy te way he can come out with single line that makes everyone laugh.
I guess he really is a gentle person with 'wild' passion.Opps, remember the 2008 scandal?
I refuse to believe it, but deep down inside I knew that it carried some truth in it.
My cute, spaced-out oji-san is a very 'active' and 'wild' person!
haha

Enough ofmy stupid rambling.
I am just killing some time before the 5s auditor comes to our section.
All of us can't seem to be able to do any job!haha

Babai

Is at office again..

Hi,
I tried.
I really tried.
Still, being at office is definitely not to my liking.
BORING.
Being at office is boring.
Why the hell can't I enjoy my time at office?
I hate my job as well.
I strongly believe that I don't suit this job..
I suck at dealing with people and I actually dislike dealing with people..
Am at fault for hating being with people?
Yep, I admit defeat..
I am aware that no man's an island, but I really suck at being with people.
There are times when I want to be left completely alone.
It's like "Go away! Don't disturb me.."
Weird thing is there are also times when I want to be with people..
Of course that is when I have no Arashi to watch! haha

babai for now, need to settle this stupid 5S thingy.
How boring..!

Is bored..

Hi,

Today I came in late to office.
haish, have very, VERY low motivation when it comes to work.
I have already thinking about going home even BEFORE I reach office.
Haish, I wish I could borrow some of Ohno's motivation.
He whines a lot, but he still get the job done. He still ends up among the earliest person to be at his workplace (wherever it is).
He used to not care about his work.
However after being very late once, though he still made it for the live show,he realized that he'd become a burden not only to his bandmates but also to the staffs of the show.
Eversince that incident, he makes sure that he arrives early.
I can't seem to 'hammer' that logic into my twisted brain.
I know that I've become a burder to those who work with me, still I refuse to change!!
Ohno-san, please come and make my brain works the way it is suppose to work!!
Ohno, you cute adorable old man..I envy you Y_Y

My lunchtime already.Am hungry.
So babai

And the half-siblings matter continues to 'bug' me

Hi,

Can I choose to continue being indifferent towards my half-siblings?
They have never been in the picture, and I still live on.
Yes, I admit that I yearn for siblings..But not this kind of siblings.
I want siblings who grew up WITH me, who'd stay by my side and comfort me..
They did NOT grew up with me, they're NEVER there for me.
I don't hate them.
How could I when I've never known them!
I don't have the right to despise them when they've never done anything to me.
Hating them is similar to hating every other strangers that I'd meet! It's impossible yo!

You may ask why the sudden outbreak..
My dad, the 'pak haji' came just now.
I asked him where did he come from..
It seemed that he's back from the airport to see his 2nd son off.
I think I'm the one who started it *damned me!*
I was just telling that out of the 6 half-siblings, I didn't salam with the 2nd son when I was at THEIR house the other day.
All of sudden, my dad talked about the 2nd son mentioning something about wanting us, yes, ME INCLUDED to meet, like having reunion or something.
Yep, reunion without the parents' presence.
I was like "....."
I am doing just fine without you guys.
I don't think it's too much to say that I don't need you guys..
*though if my dad passed away, I'll be needing my older brothers to be my wali.OMG!!!*
So, I still need them???!

I don't hate them.
It's just that I've lived my entire life without them in the picture and now I need to include them..?
There are six of them, growing up TOGETHER.
And I am alone. Has always been alone.
Somewhere along the road, I started to be introvert.
I started to shun people away, I started to welcome loneliness.
I can't accept people because I'm scared of them.
I'm scared of what would people think of me.
I know that I suck at a lot of things, and I am scared that people would hate me because of my lacking/weaknesses.
I prefer to distant myself BEFORE they hate me because of me.
So, yes.
I prefer to be alone.

Stop!
I know what I'm thinking.
Feeling like I am the VICTIM!
Hello to Nadya, the world doesn't only revolve around you.
Do not over think about it.
If my half-siblings want to come in the picture, so be it.
If they choose not to get involve further, so be it.
Though I've noticed one thing.
I could not for the life of me refer to them as Abg Long, Abg Ngh, or Kak Long etc.
I'd be referring to them as the 1st son, the 2nd son, the wife of the 1st son..
haha
Sorry, I just can't bring myself to call them that.
The words feel so 'alien' to my tongue..
huhu

So yeah, I am still stuck with low self-esteem.
Riida, I envy you.
It's awesome the way I'd be singing either Take Me Faraway or Shizuka na yoru ni every time I feel like I can't control my feeling.
Ohno Satoshi, you are such a special being.
Please continue to be you and I hope I'd be able to share some of your good points too..

Babai..

The ever depressed me..

Hi,

Please knock some senses to my disfunctional brain..!
I've been doing the same job scope for the past 2 years and I learn NOTHING!
Even I myself am dissapointed by my incompetence, let alone others who work with me..
I tried but then nothing seems to change.
Maybe I didn't try hard.
I know I didn't try hard.
Like now. I told myself that I'd be finishing some unfinished task.
But look at me, I'm writing here..!
Sheesh, be more responsible!!
OHHH< Ganbarimasu!!!

Hi^^

I knew it!!
November & December are the months where internet will be slow..!
Damned it!!

Anyway,
I wanted to write about what happened yesterday.
My dad came back from performing haji in Mekah.
So yeah, I went to the airport to *what is menyambut in english anyway..!* see him.
Since he went there with his wife and his elder son (my half-brother), it's inevitable that I met the other half-siblings that I have.
weee!! *is not that happy*
My paternal relatives were asking me if I would go to my dad's house.
I couldn't say I would, wouldn't I?
It's his home with his OTHER family. I wouldn't go if I'm not welcomed!
To have the long story short, my dad kind of invited me to his house.
I couldn't really say no, or else I would be seen as rude daughter.
So I said yes.
Which led to me to his house for the FIRST time ever!
24 years..After 24 years and eleven months of being born in this world,yesterday was the first time I stepped into their home sweet home.

I'm going to make a confession.
For a moment, I felt envious.
They (my half-siblings) have a home.
They have their own place to call home.
They have each other.
And I only have my mom.
I'm not saying that it's not enough..
It's just I've been wanting siblings for so long, it feels ridiculous.
They're so close, yet so far to reach.
I want to be in the picture too..
wow, I don't even know I have that desire..
Though when I was there, I was void of any feeling.
I guess that's how I protect myself.
I stopped thinking.
I let myself to be sucked in, I let my thought to wander.
I stopped feeling.
huhu
Because if I started thinking then I'm sure I wouldn't be able to sit there like it was nothing,
like the whole things had nothing to do with me.
I stop caring because in the end, it's me who's going to get hurt.


Since I had the awesome defense mechanism on, I pretty much sat there like I had always done that before.
I am awesome!
I didn't feel anything! Not the slightest emotion came across my face!
It's either I'm awesome or I'm suffering from some weird mental disease..
haha
I mean, how could I feel nothing?
How could I sat there and blend in like it was something I did everyday?
Seriously, I think there is something wrong with me!

Though maybe I could have my hope high with my 3rd brother.
He called out for our younger sister and had her salam with me.
So, maybe he's not that bad..
I don't know, I don't want to have my hope that high.
At leastIi won't be utterly crushed if it crashes down.huhu
I am actually a fun person yo!--> is trying to tell that to her half-siblings..

Yabai!!
I feel like crying now..
This is what happens once I let my brain works..
I'm human after all, I can't be void of any feeling...
It's hard for me to share things like this with others because it's scary.
It's only when I was really down that I'd start talking.
But when I regain my composure, I'd regret ever telling people my pathetic story.
I've told Lin about this.
I couldn't help it.
I was a bit devastated the day I went to the airport that sent off my dad to mekah.
Maybe I was a bit stressed with the by-election and all that I told her.
Hopefully, she didn't remember that.fufu

Yah,
I should stop writing.
It makes me feel more pathetic that I already had..
babai

I can have my 'perasan' moment too :P

Hi^^

I'm back from Johor!!
That 4-days seminar was motivational...to some point..
Anyways, more good news..!
I am no longer a contract officer!
so yeah, I think I suck at writing..
Can't properly write what I am feeling at the moment...


Anyway,
I become very 'perasan' during the SKMI seminar.
LOL.
I got perasan that there's this one guy who seemed like he wanted to talk me.
It's not like he WANTED to talk to me.
I believe that he's the type that want to be populur, to be known by others.
As such, he tries to talk to everyone.
Being the shy me, I didn't really respond well to his chatter.
I assume that it bothered him when I didn't succumb to his charm. hehe
It felt like he kept trying to talk to me.
It didn't help that he's in group 3 and I was in group 4.
His group was seated on my right.huhu
He's actually quite good looking, so I got very perasan la!!hehe
I am fully aware that there's no way he likes me. Nope, of course not!
I just like to bask in the glory of making him felt like he couldn't approach me!!
haha
talk about very perasan me!!
It just so happen that I bumped into him every now and then.
Even in Putrajaya yesterday, fate had it that even among 1 thousand ++ people that present in the hall, he happened to sat one row from my seat, and we actually locked eyes!
haha
I think he recognizes me since I'm friend to the famous SKMI's emcee, my friend hajar.
He starts talking to my friend after she successfully displayed her awesome talent as emcee.
Or maybe I am just perasan and he doesn't even recognize me!!hehe
Ah, the perasan me is very perasan!!
haha
Allow me to bask in this perasaan yang memang perasan ini!!
hehe
Though I have one word to say to him "sorry"..
I don't mean to act like I don't like you or anything, it's just that I'm very shy!
I always end up looking like a snob because of that.
I'm too shy I prefer not talking at all..fufu
Oh well, I think I got over my perasan already.
hehe

I have my baka moment too ^^

Hi^^

I made such a careless mistake, I can't help but laugh at myself.
In fact, I wanted to laugh so badly my body is shaking hard!
I look like a person suffering with Parkinson yo!
It's all because of stupid doc title :P
I was supposed to send Grad Invitation but I wrote it as 'Status Pelaksanaan Projek/Program Di Galas" LOL
It was so stupid I feel like crying!!
haha