2 Months & 18 Days..

And I'll be 28.
28 years OLD.
Imagine that..
28 years old and I'm still like 'this'
I swear to myself that I'd change, but look at me..
Have I changed? Have I turned over a new leaf?
I have NOT, have I..?

You might be wandering why the sudden writing again, huh? huhuhu...
Today, during lunch (or rather on our way back from having lunch) my friend, the other officer, revealed something to me.
Apparently the no 1 boss in my office thinks that I don't really do my job.
My initial response was that of a calm demeanor.
Because I myself was thinking the same too.
But then, I realised 'Hey, I DID do my work"
Back then during the "majlis penutup" (can't find that word in Englis xp) for that S***, I was going back and fro trying to make sure that everything went smoothly.
My boss? HE was only there for rehearsal the night before the event.
The rehearsal, that in my opinion, is NOT a rehearsal at all. Baik xyah buat pun. Bazir masa tido ak je!!

I don't know...
If he felt that I'm not doing a good enough job, then why didn't he tell me?
Why didn't he give me directions, give me guidance?
Instead he complained to my friend.
Sometimes I feel like he treated me that way because I choose to disagree with him on more than one occasions.
The reason why?
He's stingy!!
So damn stingy that it makes my blood boils!!
You know, I myself DO NOT support spending government's money for petty reasons.
However, when you want to hold a big event BUT you refuse to give some allocation for that?
That's ridiculous!! 
S*** is this important event for my department.
My boss, he wanted to have it BIG, but the budget was like...are u f****** me???
And then, there's another instances when he firmly ordered us to buy "drinking water" instead of "mineral water" for this joran sthg event.
The participants paid RM35 each. They were forced to buy the coupon, the least we could do is to provide them with things that worth the RM35 the were forced to pay.
I can't accept that. That's cheap.
The way he went about the matter is "We need to minimize the cost so we could gain more profit. It's for our use too"
"Our use" my a**!!!
And then there's the jamuan raya. Apparently they had it at night before this.Where?
At the office. Yup, imagine that.
Jamuan raya, at night, at office.
Kalu buat kat hotel, ak boleh terima. Tapi, ofis?? OFFICE?
The reason why is to cut budget. Obviously, other departments won't be coming, right?

This year, we have it at the office, but during the day.
Problem is, we'd expecting many people since we deal with a lot of customers during the day.
And then there's nearby departments.
However, he only gave us allocation for 200-300 persons.
I saw with my own eyes this one uncle that queue but didn't get to eat.
And where was him during this??
Safely away at a meeting.
Gosh,I always end u with extreme bosses.
The one that spend extra lavishly and this one that's extra stringy!!!!

Man, I just can't make myself agree with him.
He doesn't listen to what I want to say.
He's stubborn and a typical senior gov servant, where their words rule.
Well, I'm sorry but if I see it wrong, then I will not going to follow blindly.
And I'm sorry if I'm not a 'kaki kipas"'
He does not know that I don't have plan to go further with my current job.
Honestly, I don't think I care.
I am positive that I can take it calmly if I never move up in this line of work.
Because the higher I get, the more responsibility that I have to bear.
And I don't think that I am ready to bear that burden just yet.

So, yeah..
I'm forever pessimistic and negative..

So yeahh, I need an Ohno in my life. HA. You don't see it coming, do you?? xp
Ohno never fail to sneak himself in my entry..
Now, I wish more than ever to become him.
I wish we could have traded place one day, and he'd help in making people to like me..
He has that effect on people..
Get to know him and you'd be attracted to him, in the same way the 4 members of Arashi adore him.
Ii ne, Ohno Satoshi.
The ever sweet, gentle,adorable, dorky, beautiful, kakkoi Riida..
You're lucky to be you..

I was four.FOUR years old, and yet I didn't recognize him...

Tuesday, 02/07/2013. 12 a.m

Hi,

Okey, I cried just now.hahaha
My mom went to Puchong with Kak Long, so I have the house all to myself.
And when I am alone, well, I tend to 'express' my feeling. To myself.

Lately, I've been 'hating' my dad.
I just don't feel like picking up his calls.
So, he sort of went "Fine, if you're not talking to me, so be it. Two can play this game."
He didn't say that to me.hahaha
It's just how it went. He stops calling and stop dropping by, which I welcomed.
I don't like it when he came.

Anyway, I was examining why I have this sudden urge to avoid him.
To tell the truths, there's few incidents.
Incidents that make we go "Am I not your daughter? What am I then????"
Of course, I just shouted it in my head..

While thinking about that, I just remembered 'that' day.
The day my parents filed for divorce.
I was 4 back then, so it makes it 23 years ago.

I remembered my mom dressed me up in gown.
I remembered feeling happy, probably because it was a new gown.
We went to the court.
I think we were in the first floor, and my mom asked me to go up on the second floor and see if my dad was there.
My mom was waiting at the bottom of the stairs.
I don't know why she didn't go up and look for my dad herself.
Perhaps she was sad? It IS the day they would end their marriage after all.
I don't know...
Nah, I think she's more in a bad mood then sad.hehehe

Anyway,
I remembered climbing the stairs,feeling rather important.
Don't ask me why I felt that, I don't even know myself. Maybe for a 4-year-old kid, it felt like such an important task?
I saw a man, sitting on one of the benches, nearest to the stairs.
His arms were on his knees, and he had his head between his hands.
And then I turned around, happily announcing to my mom that "No, dad was not here".

My mom kind of got upset with me and went up herself.
The little me was like "What did I do wrong????"

My mom said that my dad WAS there, on the second floor.
Remember the man that I saw sitting on the bench?
That was him. My dad.

When I relived that memory just now, it was like I'm hit right on my face.
I was four and I didn't recognize my dad.
Let's rewrite that sentence.
WHEN I WAS 4, I STILL DIDN'T RECOGNIZE MY DAD.

I saw him and I didn't know it's him.
Good news was, he saw me too.
HE SAW ME  AND YET HE DIDN'T CALL OUT TO ME.
What does that mean??
That HE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME TOO???

I was 4 years old that time, NOT 4 MONTHS OLD.
I used to say that I grew up without my dad.
I never thought that I am VERY true.

I guess that I didn't see him around that much during the early 4 years of my life.
It's a no wonder that I didn't recognize him and him not recognizing me as well.

And this is the man that I need to call my father??
Again and again, he makes me feel like an outcast.
I never want him in my life.
He's the one intruding our life and yet, he's the one who abandon me every single time he was afraid that my stepmom would know he's with me.
THE HELL?
What am I then? Stupid?
Like that time when we went to Pok Cik Husin's house for his daughter kenduri kahwin.
He flat out refuse to admit that we came together.
So what if we came together?
I"M HIS DAUGHTER!

I can't take it anymore. Everytime I give him another chance, he blew it.
I'm just a normal human being. How much disappointment and sadness can I stand before I went nuts???

That memory, that day at the court, it was always there at the back of my head.
I've never wanted to think too much about it. I dismiss it.
But it is there, all this time.
Maybe that's the reason I can never let myself to trust him to be the good father he pretended to be.
He never was there when I grew up.
I did grow up without him.

And I hate the fact that I need him to be my wali if I ever get married.
And if he's not there, then I'd be needing my half-brothers.
Why do I still have to be connected to them?
They were never in the picture, so why do they have to be in now???

I just can't forgive.Not at the moment.

Babai.

Weird Complex

Hallo^^

I remembered sthg weird today...
I have this weird space complex.
I wanted to be on my own and yet I want some outer presence.
Doesn't make any sense huh..
Hmmm, how to put this.
It's like in my room.

I don't like it for my room at office to be too 'open'.
Meaning that I don't like people to be able to look into my room, so I have my curtain drawn.
However, at the same time I open my door because if I don't, then I felt suffocated.
I hate to be open but at the same time I refuse to be too isolated.

Weird and complicated.
Maybe that's explain the weird feeling I have everytime I saw my friends together.
I don't like getting out, mixing with people. But when they got together, I felt left out.
What is this feeling?
Wanting to be alone but end up feeling lonely....
It's hard. Everytime I act on my instinct and join them, I felt so stupid for doing so.
Because I'd end up trying hard to 'blend in', which I don't.
But when I refuse to go, I'd end up feeling so.... left out.
I hate myself for this stupid complex.

When would I be normal?
Would I ever be normal?
I suck at being with people, so I try my hardest to stay away from them.
I hate myself!!!!

I hate my current job.
It makes me hate myself even more.
My current job requires me to be confident, sure of myself, decisive, and all the strong characters.
But I am not like that.
I hate conflicts and I hate making decisions.|
I'm easily persuaded and people don't seem to follow my orders.
If only I am a bit firmer....

And I always choose the wrong moment to show my firmness.
Always the wrong situation.

So, bye bye for now....

Hi^^

Ah, I lied again eh?
I haven't been writing as much as I said I would.
Anyway, I've moved to new division. Finance division.
I thought this would bring new wind of change.
What do you know, I'm still the same old me.
The one who procrastinate a lot.
The one who hates her job.
The one who is cursed with low self-esteem.
So yeah, I'm pathetic..!
How did it turn so gloomy?
I though about writing something happy...:(
Only Ohno Satoshi can make feel cheery.
That is to some extent..

If I think about wanting to be like him, then I'd be really down.
If I saw his face - preferably in tv screen, alive and kicking -I'd be love-struck to maximum level.
There's no way you can hate that chubby-cheek adorable old man.
NO WAY!
He's too cute to be hated...
Cute old man, I envy you Y_Y

I really only post when I'm at office..

Hi..

I am demotivated again.
What's with me being so lazy, so unmotivated when it comes to my job?
What is it that I look for in my life?
What di I want to do with my life..?
I don't know, I really don't know...

It seems like I'll only post when I'm at office!

Hi ^^



I only post when I'm at office ne.huhu
I can't help it yo!
Being at office is boring, BORING I tell you!
Talking about having no motivation to do my works kind of reminds me to my friend, I.
She would usually cheers me to have motivation to go to work.huhu
Today too, when I sms her saying that I have no motivation, she said something.
Soething like I should be getting myself a 'special' friend a.k.a boyfriend!
LOL, I will not do that!
It's not that I don't believe in love, it's just that I feel like I'm not worthy of it.
The 'me' right not do not deserve it.
Maybe one day, when I feel like I'm worthy of someone's affection thn I'll be looking for one :P

A lot of my friends are either getting married or engaged.
I don't feel envious, in fact I'm happy for them.
It does feel weird, though.
Because when I tried imagining myself in their place, I feel like I would fail it.Totally.
What if I am not meant to have family Y_Y
I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone!!
Yep, I'm getting older.
These days I can't help but keep on thinking about marriage etc etc.
I don't want it now, I'm soooo NOt ready for it now.
I'm too selfish to share my life with someone else..

It's already 2011!

Hi ^^,





Happy New Year!


Akemashite Omedetou Gozaimasu!!





It's been days since I last wrote.


I pretty much forgot recent happenings ~fufu


Owh, we got that damned 5S thing.Thank God!


huhu


Em, what else..


Owh, the other day I was almost involved in an accident yo!


It was entirely my fault.


I kind of spaced out for a moment, got distracted by one pak cik that took the wrong turn.


I was saying to myself " Ui Pak cik. You can't go there.It's one way route la"


And that moment the traffic light turned red.


I saw the many motorcycles started moving, but my spaced out brain was very slow picking it up.


Instead I went " Why are they moving already..?"


I saw the many vehicles started moving, instead of hitting the brakes, I went faster..


It's not until some kind (or maybe angry) souls honked did my brain started functioning again and hit hard on the brake..huhu


I'm very dangerous when I'm spaced out.


That day I was very spaced out though. I didn't even remember why..





Oh, my crazy online-manga-reading antic is back!


I've been staying up late until 5.30 a.m in the morning for 2 consecutive nights!


hoho


Can't blame myself for that.


I've been looking for online Muhyo to Rouji ep 34 adn above for as long as I remember.


Eh wait..What make me start searching for the series again?


Something reminded me of that series, but I couldn't remember what it was called.


So surfed the many manga sites and started to look in the 'M' list. somehow I remembered it started with 'M'. hoho


After I found the title, I started to look for ep 34.


Then I found it in Mangahere.My long-awaited ep.34 is there. ep. 34 up to ep. 126!


Being the enthusiastic manga-freak that I am, I read it all to my heart's content! ehehe



Though what pisses me now is the fact that it stoppe at ep.126 when there are 156 of it.



Where the heck can I find the rest?!!! *is very pissed*

------
I didn't post this before because I want to add something, but I forgot what! huhu

So I'll just post it as it is ^^

Babai

Can I say I understand how Ohno feels?

Hi again ^^,



Can I say I understand what Ohno feels most of the time?

The feeling of having people pour their feelings to you, but you don't know how to respond to it..?

I had my friend pouring her frustation towards her staffs just now.

I listened to her but I really don't know what to say to ease her..!

This reminded me of what Aiba said about confiding in his Riida.

He said that most of the time Ohno listened without saying anything, so much so that he suscpected if Ohno was listening at all!

If Ohno is in the same situation as ine, then I understand exactly how he felt.

We listened, of course we listened.

But we don't know how to respond!!
------------------------------------

That wa yesterday.
Today I am feeling sleepy. So like Ohno eh,hehe.
I can't help but include him in almost every post I made :P
I can't help it since I am so desperately 'in love' with him.haha
I mean, look at him. That cute oji-san is too adorable for my weak heart!
Not to mention him being multi-talented.
He may not be as bright as Sho or as sharp as Nino and Matsujun, however he is a genius in his own way.
He is a genius in his art and his dance choreography.
It is the same way as Shakespear being a genius in literature.
So there you have it.
The genius Satoshi who can be cute, masculine, sexy and female-like pretty.
It's true yo!
Look at him during his Maou days, or any period where he kept his hair long and black.
I kind of understand why he doesn't like long hair.
Because he looked very pretty like a woman!haha
That and of course he hated the feeling of hair brushing his nape and forehead.fufu
Not to mention it's hot too.
LOL at me!
Look what have you done to me cute old man.
I end up memorising every little things you mention!
I envy te way he can come out with single line that makes everyone laugh.
I guess he really is a gentle person with 'wild' passion.Opps, remember the 2008 scandal?
I refuse to believe it, but deep down inside I knew that it carried some truth in it.
My cute, spaced-out oji-san is a very 'active' and 'wild' person!
haha

Enough ofmy stupid rambling.
I am just killing some time before the 5s auditor comes to our section.
All of us can't seem to be able to do any job!haha

Babai

I can have my 'perasan' moment too :P

Hi^^

I'm back from Johor!!
That 4-days seminar was motivational...to some point..
Anyways, more good news..!
I am no longer a contract officer!
so yeah, I think I suck at writing..
Can't properly write what I am feeling at the moment...


Anyway,
I become very 'perasan' during the SKMI seminar.
LOL.
I got perasan that there's this one guy who seemed like he wanted to talk me.
It's not like he WANTED to talk to me.
I believe that he's the type that want to be populur, to be known by others.
As such, he tries to talk to everyone.
Being the shy me, I didn't really respond well to his chatter.
I assume that it bothered him when I didn't succumb to his charm. hehe
It felt like he kept trying to talk to me.
It didn't help that he's in group 3 and I was in group 4.
His group was seated on my right.huhu
He's actually quite good looking, so I got very perasan la!!hehe
I am fully aware that there's no way he likes me. Nope, of course not!
I just like to bask in the glory of making him felt like he couldn't approach me!!
haha
talk about very perasan me!!
It just so happen that I bumped into him every now and then.
Even in Putrajaya yesterday, fate had it that even among 1 thousand ++ people that present in the hall, he happened to sat one row from my seat, and we actually locked eyes!
haha
I think he recognizes me since I'm friend to the famous SKMI's emcee, my friend hajar.
He starts talking to my friend after she successfully displayed her awesome talent as emcee.
Or maybe I am just perasan and he doesn't even recognize me!!hehe
Ah, the perasan me is very perasan!!
haha
Allow me to bask in this perasaan yang memang perasan ini!!
hehe
Though I have one word to say to him "sorry"..
I don't mean to act like I don't like you or anything, it's just that I'm very shy!
I always end up looking like a snob because of that.
I'm too shy I prefer not talking at all..fufu
Oh well, I think I got over my perasan already.
hehe

I have my baka moment too ^^

Hi^^

I made such a careless mistake, I can't help but laugh at myself.
In fact, I wanted to laugh so badly my body is shaking hard!
I look like a person suffering with Parkinson yo!
It's all because of stupid doc title :P
I was supposed to send Grad Invitation but I wrote it as 'Status Pelaksanaan Projek/Program Di Galas" LOL
It was so stupid I feel like crying!!
haha

It's already Thursday, Dec 2nd

Hi^^

Wow, time does fly huh?
The other day I was watching Arashi in a varitey show, NEP League.
It's sort of game show testing one's general knowledge.
I remembered feeling all giddy waiting for someone to subb the whole show.
Which was aired on (if I'm not mistaken) 3rd January 2010.
I only got to see it subbed around 28th of NOVEMBER 2010!
I was like " Eh? It feels like I only watched it last month..!"
Now I come to think about it, I was dreading me getting 24 years old when I first watch them.
And now I'm dreading of becoming 25!!
Yabai!!
One year older with no tut tut you know what..
People would be asking, "Haven't you have one? You can't be serious!!"
Yes, I'm serious. What about it? Ada saya kesah?
haha

So, yeah Ohno you old man.
I kind of understand you ^^
I used to dream about those things.
However, when I reach a certain point in my life, I just accept it the way it is.
haha
I'm getting older..
It's awesome how I always revert myself to think of Ohnowhenever I'm feeling down.
He's like the source of my motivation!
huhu
Though I do end up feeling worse when I think of him.
That baka Riida is cute and is loved by almost everyone.
Couldn't I 'steal' some of his charming quality for my own use?
Nino is right.
Aiba is right.
Matsujun is right.
I never know about Sho.
You can't help but end up wanting to have it easy for Ohno.
He only needs to be there and people would do their best to give him comfort.
Not that I can blame him.
He's natural at having pitiful look.
Heck, he is pitiful.
But when he smiles, ahhhhhhhhhh.He's like the cutest being ever.
He has a cute giggle too :)
Haih, I want to be as cute as Ohno Satoshi too Y_Y

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mei 2nd, 2013

I'm already 27!!
Argghhhhhhh, I feel so old Y_Y
Time does fly.
There I was *point above* worrying that I was 24-25.
And now I'm already 27!!!
Gosh,please don't let time fly this fast!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is feeling down again..

Hi^^

I feel like I'm THE best at making people hate me.
It's weird. I am always afraid of getting too close with people around me.
I'd always tried to put a distance.
and when they DO pull away from me, I'd feel lonely.And guilty.
I'm such a weird girl with complicated feeling.
.............

Let's put those bad vibes aside and let's write about my activity today.

I went to office around 9 a.m
Did a bit of 5S.
Then around 4.30 I went to KB Mall and had a shopping spree!! Yay!!

First thing that caught my attention is RM399-worth Panasonic camera!
I'm such a cheap person, my eyes got trained to catch anything with DISCOUNT on it!!
haha

I mean, a digital camera with
1) 12.1 megapixel
2) 2 years warranty
3) 2gb memory card
4)lithium battery
5) and it's RM399!!

where else can you find another digicam with all the above priced under RM400??!!

I just have to BUY it!!
haha

Though I don't buy it straight away..heehee
Went around and bought a blouse and a tudung.
I bought the digicam before I went home..

let's discuss the other materials that I bought.
The tudung, I like.
However, the blouse?
It is a total disaster!!
I couldn't fit in it!!
How come?? It's already XL!!

Apparently I got stuck somewhere in the upper area..
I'll try and change the blouse for another blouse when I come back from Terengganu.
Oh, yeah..
I'll be going for 3-days course in Terengganu
We all have been looking forward to this course.
It's like having vacation yo!!

HAH!
Look how fast my mood swings.
From depressing to excitement.
Guess I'll write the not-so-good happenings before I write the good ones.
That way I'll be remembering the good, happy things!!

Babai

Just another day..

Hi^^

I hate work today!
Neverending Galas report thingy..
I swear I'd throw up the next time I heard that word again!

And what with the weird atmosphere between my bosses..?
They used to be quite close and all of sudden it seems like they just throw each other cold shoulders.
Since I'm supposed to report to both of them, I am kind of stuck in between
I suck at interpersonal skill.
I somewhat have the feeling that I made things worse between them.
And I don't know EVEN know what I did to made me feel like that way..!
Talk about low self esteem..
I'm sorry that I'm such a lousy subordinate..

.................

I have a confession to make.
I'm too obsessed with what onions to choose, I can't concentrate on writing!
haha
Lame me.huhu
Maybe I should write first and choose the onions later

All in all,

I suck at work today too..

So, babai :)

Oh, wait.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OHNO SATOSHI
I'LL ALWAYS ADORE YOU, YOU CUTE OLD MAN

Hajimemashite ^^

I have just realized that I have this blog for almost 2 years!
And I haven't even made ONE post!!

Thanks to those cute onion heads, I've decided to use this account instead of LJ and Friendster.
Those 2 give me enough headache trying to figure this whole script stuff

So, yeah!
Welcome me to another blog!!

Hopefully, I'll be able to write to my heart's content here


That's all from me