2 Months & 18 Days..

And I'll be 28.
28 years OLD.
Imagine that..
28 years old and I'm still like 'this'
I swear to myself that I'd change, but look at me..
Have I changed? Have I turned over a new leaf?
I have NOT, have I..?

You might be wandering why the sudden writing again, huh? huhuhu...
Today, during lunch (or rather on our way back from having lunch) my friend, the other officer, revealed something to me.
Apparently the no 1 boss in my office thinks that I don't really do my job.
My initial response was that of a calm demeanor.
Because I myself was thinking the same too.
But then, I realised 'Hey, I DID do my work"
Back then during the "majlis penutup" (can't find that word in Englis xp) for that S***, I was going back and fro trying to make sure that everything went smoothly.
My boss? HE was only there for rehearsal the night before the event.
The rehearsal, that in my opinion, is NOT a rehearsal at all. Baik xyah buat pun. Bazir masa tido ak je!!

I don't know...
If he felt that I'm not doing a good enough job, then why didn't he tell me?
Why didn't he give me directions, give me guidance?
Instead he complained to my friend.
Sometimes I feel like he treated me that way because I choose to disagree with him on more than one occasions.
The reason why?
He's stingy!!
So damn stingy that it makes my blood boils!!
You know, I myself DO NOT support spending government's money for petty reasons.
However, when you want to hold a big event BUT you refuse to give some allocation for that?
That's ridiculous!! 
S*** is this important event for my department.
My boss, he wanted to have it BIG, but the budget was like...are u f****** me???
And then, there's another instances when he firmly ordered us to buy "drinking water" instead of "mineral water" for this joran sthg event.
The participants paid RM35 each. They were forced to buy the coupon, the least we could do is to provide them with things that worth the RM35 the were forced to pay.
I can't accept that. That's cheap.
The way he went about the matter is "We need to minimize the cost so we could gain more profit. It's for our use too"
"Our use" my a**!!!
And then there's the jamuan raya. Apparently they had it at night before this.Where?
At the office. Yup, imagine that.
Jamuan raya, at night, at office.
Kalu buat kat hotel, ak boleh terima. Tapi, ofis?? OFFICE?
The reason why is to cut budget. Obviously, other departments won't be coming, right?

This year, we have it at the office, but during the day.
Problem is, we'd expecting many people since we deal with a lot of customers during the day.
And then there's nearby departments.
However, he only gave us allocation for 200-300 persons.
I saw with my own eyes this one uncle that queue but didn't get to eat.
And where was him during this??
Safely away at a meeting.
Gosh,I always end u with extreme bosses.
The one that spend extra lavishly and this one that's extra stringy!!!!

Man, I just can't make myself agree with him.
He doesn't listen to what I want to say.
He's stubborn and a typical senior gov servant, where their words rule.
Well, I'm sorry but if I see it wrong, then I will not going to follow blindly.
And I'm sorry if I'm not a 'kaki kipas"'
He does not know that I don't have plan to go further with my current job.
Honestly, I don't think I care.
I am positive that I can take it calmly if I never move up in this line of work.
Because the higher I get, the more responsibility that I have to bear.
And I don't think that I am ready to bear that burden just yet.

So, yeah..
I'm forever pessimistic and negative..

So yeahh, I need an Ohno in my life. HA. You don't see it coming, do you?? xp
Ohno never fail to sneak himself in my entry..
Now, I wish more than ever to become him.
I wish we could have traded place one day, and he'd help in making people to like me..
He has that effect on people..
Get to know him and you'd be attracted to him, in the same way the 4 members of Arashi adore him.
Ii ne, Ohno Satoshi.
The ever sweet, gentle,adorable, dorky, beautiful, kakkoi Riida..
You're lucky to be you..

Weird Complex

Hallo^^

I remembered sthg weird today...
I have this weird space complex.
I wanted to be on my own and yet I want some outer presence.
Doesn't make any sense huh..
Hmmm, how to put this.
It's like in my room.

I don't like it for my room at office to be too 'open'.
Meaning that I don't like people to be able to look into my room, so I have my curtain drawn.
However, at the same time I open my door because if I don't, then I felt suffocated.
I hate to be open but at the same time I refuse to be too isolated.

Weird and complicated.
Maybe that's explain the weird feeling I have everytime I saw my friends together.
I don't like getting out, mixing with people. But when they got together, I felt left out.
What is this feeling?
Wanting to be alone but end up feeling lonely....
It's hard. Everytime I act on my instinct and join them, I felt so stupid for doing so.
Because I'd end up trying hard to 'blend in', which I don't.
But when I refuse to go, I'd end up feeling so.... left out.
I hate myself for this stupid complex.

When would I be normal?
Would I ever be normal?
I suck at being with people, so I try my hardest to stay away from them.
I hate myself!!!!

I hate my current job.
It makes me hate myself even more.
My current job requires me to be confident, sure of myself, decisive, and all the strong characters.
But I am not like that.
I hate conflicts and I hate making decisions.|
I'm easily persuaded and people don't seem to follow my orders.
If only I am a bit firmer....

And I always choose the wrong moment to show my firmness.
Always the wrong situation.

So, bye bye for now....

Working is like HELL for me!!

SOOOOOOOOOOO,
why do I hate work so much?
Am I that negative that I hate everythig, EVERYTHING?
Stupid office with its ,okay I'm going to be rational, impossible staffs!
Damn it!!!!!
I hate it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Stupid, stupid,stupid!!!
Just listening to the voices outside makes me want to strangle each and every one of them!!
STUPID!!!!!!!!!

-----------------------------
Feb 6th

What the hell??!! *point above*

I must have really lost my mind that day.
I don't even remember why I was so pissed off that day..
I really don't remember!
It's like the weirdest emotional explosion I've ever experienced. It must be VERY weird that I completely forgot what it was about..hmmm

I really only post when I'm at office..

Hi..

I am demotivated again.
What's with me being so lazy, so unmotivated when it comes to my job?
What is it that I look for in my life?
What di I want to do with my life..?
I don't know, I really don't know...

Is at office again..

Hi,
I tried.
I really tried.
Still, being at office is definitely not to my liking.
BORING.
Being at office is boring.
Why the hell can't I enjoy my time at office?
I hate my job as well.
I strongly believe that I don't suit this job..
I suck at dealing with people and I actually dislike dealing with people..
Am at fault for hating being with people?
Yep, I admit defeat..
I am aware that no man's an island, but I really suck at being with people.
There are times when I want to be left completely alone.
It's like "Go away! Don't disturb me.."
Weird thing is there are also times when I want to be with people..
Of course that is when I have no Arashi to watch! haha

babai for now, need to settle this stupid 5S thingy.
How boring..!

Is bored..

Hi,

Today I came in late to office.
haish, have very, VERY low motivation when it comes to work.
I have already thinking about going home even BEFORE I reach office.
Haish, I wish I could borrow some of Ohno's motivation.
He whines a lot, but he still get the job done. He still ends up among the earliest person to be at his workplace (wherever it is).
He used to not care about his work.
However after being very late once, though he still made it for the live show,he realized that he'd become a burden not only to his bandmates but also to the staffs of the show.
Eversince that incident, he makes sure that he arrives early.
I can't seem to 'hammer' that logic into my twisted brain.
I know that I've become a burder to those who work with me, still I refuse to change!!
Ohno-san, please come and make my brain works the way it is suppose to work!!
Ohno, you cute adorable old man..I envy you Y_Y

My lunchtime already.Am hungry.
So babai

The ever depressed me..

Hi,

Please knock some senses to my disfunctional brain..!
I've been doing the same job scope for the past 2 years and I learn NOTHING!
Even I myself am dissapointed by my incompetence, let alone others who work with me..
I tried but then nothing seems to change.
Maybe I didn't try hard.
I know I didn't try hard.
Like now. I told myself that I'd be finishing some unfinished task.
But look at me, I'm writing here..!
Sheesh, be more responsible!!
OHHH< Ganbarimasu!!!

Just another day..

Hi^^

I hate work today!
Neverending Galas report thingy..
I swear I'd throw up the next time I heard that word again!

And what with the weird atmosphere between my bosses..?
They used to be quite close and all of sudden it seems like they just throw each other cold shoulders.
Since I'm supposed to report to both of them, I am kind of stuck in between
I suck at interpersonal skill.
I somewhat have the feeling that I made things worse between them.
And I don't know EVEN know what I did to made me feel like that way..!
Talk about low self esteem..
I'm sorry that I'm such a lousy subordinate..

.................

I have a confession to make.
I'm too obsessed with what onions to choose, I can't concentrate on writing!
haha
Lame me.huhu
Maybe I should write first and choose the onions later

All in all,

I suck at work today too..

So, babai :)

Oh, wait.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OHNO SATOSHI
I'LL ALWAYS ADORE YOU, YOU CUTE OLD MAN