I was four.FOUR years old, and yet I didn't recognize him...

Tuesday, 02/07/2013. 12 a.m

Hi,

Okey, I cried just now.hahaha
My mom went to Puchong with Kak Long, so I have the house all to myself.
And when I am alone, well, I tend to 'express' my feeling. To myself.

Lately, I've been 'hating' my dad.
I just don't feel like picking up his calls.
So, he sort of went "Fine, if you're not talking to me, so be it. Two can play this game."
He didn't say that to me.hahaha
It's just how it went. He stops calling and stop dropping by, which I welcomed.
I don't like it when he came.

Anyway, I was examining why I have this sudden urge to avoid him.
To tell the truths, there's few incidents.
Incidents that make we go "Am I not your daughter? What am I then????"
Of course, I just shouted it in my head..

While thinking about that, I just remembered 'that' day.
The day my parents filed for divorce.
I was 4 back then, so it makes it 23 years ago.

I remembered my mom dressed me up in gown.
I remembered feeling happy, probably because it was a new gown.
We went to the court.
I think we were in the first floor, and my mom asked me to go up on the second floor and see if my dad was there.
My mom was waiting at the bottom of the stairs.
I don't know why she didn't go up and look for my dad herself.
Perhaps she was sad? It IS the day they would end their marriage after all.
I don't know...
Nah, I think she's more in a bad mood then sad.hehehe

Anyway,
I remembered climbing the stairs,feeling rather important.
Don't ask me why I felt that, I don't even know myself. Maybe for a 4-year-old kid, it felt like such an important task?
I saw a man, sitting on one of the benches, nearest to the stairs.
His arms were on his knees, and he had his head between his hands.
And then I turned around, happily announcing to my mom that "No, dad was not here".

My mom kind of got upset with me and went up herself.
The little me was like "What did I do wrong????"

My mom said that my dad WAS there, on the second floor.
Remember the man that I saw sitting on the bench?
That was him. My dad.

When I relived that memory just now, it was like I'm hit right on my face.
I was four and I didn't recognize my dad.
Let's rewrite that sentence.
WHEN I WAS 4, I STILL DIDN'T RECOGNIZE MY DAD.

I saw him and I didn't know it's him.
Good news was, he saw me too.
HE SAW ME  AND YET HE DIDN'T CALL OUT TO ME.
What does that mean??
That HE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME TOO???

I was 4 years old that time, NOT 4 MONTHS OLD.
I used to say that I grew up without my dad.
I never thought that I am VERY true.

I guess that I didn't see him around that much during the early 4 years of my life.
It's a no wonder that I didn't recognize him and him not recognizing me as well.

And this is the man that I need to call my father??
Again and again, he makes me feel like an outcast.
I never want him in my life.
He's the one intruding our life and yet, he's the one who abandon me every single time he was afraid that my stepmom would know he's with me.
THE HELL?
What am I then? Stupid?
Like that time when we went to Pok Cik Husin's house for his daughter kenduri kahwin.
He flat out refuse to admit that we came together.
So what if we came together?
I"M HIS DAUGHTER!

I can't take it anymore. Everytime I give him another chance, he blew it.
I'm just a normal human being. How much disappointment and sadness can I stand before I went nuts???

That memory, that day at the court, it was always there at the back of my head.
I've never wanted to think too much about it. I dismiss it.
But it is there, all this time.
Maybe that's the reason I can never let myself to trust him to be the good father he pretended to be.
He never was there when I grew up.
I did grow up without him.

And I hate the fact that I need him to be my wali if I ever get married.
And if he's not there, then I'd be needing my half-brothers.
Why do I still have to be connected to them?
They were never in the picture, so why do they have to be in now???

I just can't forgive.Not at the moment.

Babai.

And the half-siblings matter continues to 'bug' me

Hi,

Can I choose to continue being indifferent towards my half-siblings?
They have never been in the picture, and I still live on.
Yes, I admit that I yearn for siblings..But not this kind of siblings.
I want siblings who grew up WITH me, who'd stay by my side and comfort me..
They did NOT grew up with me, they're NEVER there for me.
I don't hate them.
How could I when I've never known them!
I don't have the right to despise them when they've never done anything to me.
Hating them is similar to hating every other strangers that I'd meet! It's impossible yo!

You may ask why the sudden outbreak..
My dad, the 'pak haji' came just now.
I asked him where did he come from..
It seemed that he's back from the airport to see his 2nd son off.
I think I'm the one who started it *damned me!*
I was just telling that out of the 6 half-siblings, I didn't salam with the 2nd son when I was at THEIR house the other day.
All of sudden, my dad talked about the 2nd son mentioning something about wanting us, yes, ME INCLUDED to meet, like having reunion or something.
Yep, reunion without the parents' presence.
I was like "....."
I am doing just fine without you guys.
I don't think it's too much to say that I don't need you guys..
*though if my dad passed away, I'll be needing my older brothers to be my wali.OMG!!!*
So, I still need them???!

I don't hate them.
It's just that I've lived my entire life without them in the picture and now I need to include them..?
There are six of them, growing up TOGETHER.
And I am alone. Has always been alone.
Somewhere along the road, I started to be introvert.
I started to shun people away, I started to welcome loneliness.
I can't accept people because I'm scared of them.
I'm scared of what would people think of me.
I know that I suck at a lot of things, and I am scared that people would hate me because of my lacking/weaknesses.
I prefer to distant myself BEFORE they hate me because of me.
So, yes.
I prefer to be alone.

Stop!
I know what I'm thinking.
Feeling like I am the VICTIM!
Hello to Nadya, the world doesn't only revolve around you.
Do not over think about it.
If my half-siblings want to come in the picture, so be it.
If they choose not to get involve further, so be it.
Though I've noticed one thing.
I could not for the life of me refer to them as Abg Long, Abg Ngh, or Kak Long etc.
I'd be referring to them as the 1st son, the 2nd son, the wife of the 1st son..
haha
Sorry, I just can't bring myself to call them that.
The words feel so 'alien' to my tongue..
huhu

So yeah, I am still stuck with low self-esteem.
Riida, I envy you.
It's awesome the way I'd be singing either Take Me Faraway or Shizuka na yoru ni every time I feel like I can't control my feeling.
Ohno Satoshi, you are such a special being.
Please continue to be you and I hope I'd be able to share some of your good points too..

Babai..

Hi^^

I knew it!!
November & December are the months where internet will be slow..!
Damned it!!

Anyway,
I wanted to write about what happened yesterday.
My dad came back from performing haji in Mekah.
So yeah, I went to the airport to *what is menyambut in english anyway..!* see him.
Since he went there with his wife and his elder son (my half-brother), it's inevitable that I met the other half-siblings that I have.
weee!! *is not that happy*
My paternal relatives were asking me if I would go to my dad's house.
I couldn't say I would, wouldn't I?
It's his home with his OTHER family. I wouldn't go if I'm not welcomed!
To have the long story short, my dad kind of invited me to his house.
I couldn't really say no, or else I would be seen as rude daughter.
So I said yes.
Which led to me to his house for the FIRST time ever!
24 years..After 24 years and eleven months of being born in this world,yesterday was the first time I stepped into their home sweet home.

I'm going to make a confession.
For a moment, I felt envious.
They (my half-siblings) have a home.
They have their own place to call home.
They have each other.
And I only have my mom.
I'm not saying that it's not enough..
It's just I've been wanting siblings for so long, it feels ridiculous.
They're so close, yet so far to reach.
I want to be in the picture too..
wow, I don't even know I have that desire..
Though when I was there, I was void of any feeling.
I guess that's how I protect myself.
I stopped thinking.
I let myself to be sucked in, I let my thought to wander.
I stopped feeling.
huhu
Because if I started thinking then I'm sure I wouldn't be able to sit there like it was nothing,
like the whole things had nothing to do with me.
I stop caring because in the end, it's me who's going to get hurt.


Since I had the awesome defense mechanism on, I pretty much sat there like I had always done that before.
I am awesome!
I didn't feel anything! Not the slightest emotion came across my face!
It's either I'm awesome or I'm suffering from some weird mental disease..
haha
I mean, how could I feel nothing?
How could I sat there and blend in like it was something I did everyday?
Seriously, I think there is something wrong with me!

Though maybe I could have my hope high with my 3rd brother.
He called out for our younger sister and had her salam with me.
So, maybe he's not that bad..
I don't know, I don't want to have my hope that high.
At leastIi won't be utterly crushed if it crashes down.huhu
I am actually a fun person yo!--> is trying to tell that to her half-siblings..

Yabai!!
I feel like crying now..
This is what happens once I let my brain works..
I'm human after all, I can't be void of any feeling...
It's hard for me to share things like this with others because it's scary.
It's only when I was really down that I'd start talking.
But when I regain my composure, I'd regret ever telling people my pathetic story.
I've told Lin about this.
I couldn't help it.
I was a bit devastated the day I went to the airport that sent off my dad to mekah.
Maybe I was a bit stressed with the by-election and all that I told her.
Hopefully, she didn't remember that.fufu

Yah,
I should stop writing.
It makes me feel more pathetic that I already had..
babai