Hi,
Can I choose to continue being indifferent towards my half-siblings?
They have never been in the picture, and I still live on.
Yes, I admit that I yearn for siblings..But not this kind of siblings.
I want siblings who grew up WITH me, who'd stay by my side and comfort me..
They did NOT grew up with me, they're NEVER there for me.
I don't hate them.
How could I when I've never known them!
I don't have the right to despise them when they've never done anything to me.
Hating them is similar to hating every other strangers that I'd meet! It's impossible yo!
You may ask why the sudden outbreak..
My dad, the 'pak haji' came just now.
I asked him where did he come from..
It seemed that he's back from the airport to see his 2nd son off.
I think I'm the one who started it *damned me!*
I was just telling that out of the 6 half-siblings, I didn't salam with the 2nd son when I was at THEIR house the other day.
All of sudden, my dad talked about the 2nd son mentioning something about wanting us, yes, ME INCLUDED to meet, like having reunion or something.
Yep, reunion without the parents' presence.
I was like "....."
I am doing just fine without you guys.
I don't think it's too much to say that I don't need you guys..
*though if my dad passed away, I'll be needing my older brothers to be my wali.OMG!!!*
So, I still need them???!
I don't hate them.
It's just that I've lived my entire life without them in the picture and now I need to include them..?
There are six of them, growing up TOGETHER.
And I am alone. Has always been alone.
Somewhere along the road, I started to be introvert.
I started to shun people away, I started to welcome loneliness.
I can't accept people because I'm scared of them.
I'm scared of what would people think of me.
I know that I suck at a lot of things, and I am scared that people would hate me because of my lacking/weaknesses.
I prefer to distant myself BEFORE they hate me because of me.
So, yes.
I prefer to be alone.
Stop!
I know what I'm thinking.
Feeling like I am the VICTIM!
Hello to Nadya, the world doesn't only revolve around you.
Do not over think about it.
If my half-siblings want to come in the picture, so be it.
If they choose not to get involve further, so be it.
Though I've noticed one thing.
I could not for the life of me refer to them as Abg Long, Abg Ngh, or Kak Long etc.
I'd be referring to them as the 1st son, the 2nd son, the wife of the 1st son..
haha
Sorry, I just can't bring myself to call them that.
The words feel so 'alien' to my tongue..
huhu
So yeah, I am still stuck with low self-esteem.
Riida, I envy you.
It's awesome the way I'd be singing either Take Me Faraway or Shizuka na yoru ni every time I feel like I can't control my feeling.
Ohno Satoshi, you are such a special being.
Please continue to be you and I hope I'd be able to share some of your good points too..
Babai..
No comments:
Post a Comment