Hi^^

I knew it!!
November & December are the months where internet will be slow..!
Damned it!!

Anyway,
I wanted to write about what happened yesterday.
My dad came back from performing haji in Mekah.
So yeah, I went to the airport to *what is menyambut in english anyway..!* see him.
Since he went there with his wife and his elder son (my half-brother), it's inevitable that I met the other half-siblings that I have.
weee!! *is not that happy*
My paternal relatives were asking me if I would go to my dad's house.
I couldn't say I would, wouldn't I?
It's his home with his OTHER family. I wouldn't go if I'm not welcomed!
To have the long story short, my dad kind of invited me to his house.
I couldn't really say no, or else I would be seen as rude daughter.
So I said yes.
Which led to me to his house for the FIRST time ever!
24 years..After 24 years and eleven months of being born in this world,yesterday was the first time I stepped into their home sweet home.

I'm going to make a confession.
For a moment, I felt envious.
They (my half-siblings) have a home.
They have their own place to call home.
They have each other.
And I only have my mom.
I'm not saying that it's not enough..
It's just I've been wanting siblings for so long, it feels ridiculous.
They're so close, yet so far to reach.
I want to be in the picture too..
wow, I don't even know I have that desire..
Though when I was there, I was void of any feeling.
I guess that's how I protect myself.
I stopped thinking.
I let myself to be sucked in, I let my thought to wander.
I stopped feeling.
huhu
Because if I started thinking then I'm sure I wouldn't be able to sit there like it was nothing,
like the whole things had nothing to do with me.
I stop caring because in the end, it's me who's going to get hurt.


Since I had the awesome defense mechanism on, I pretty much sat there like I had always done that before.
I am awesome!
I didn't feel anything! Not the slightest emotion came across my face!
It's either I'm awesome or I'm suffering from some weird mental disease..
haha
I mean, how could I feel nothing?
How could I sat there and blend in like it was something I did everyday?
Seriously, I think there is something wrong with me!

Though maybe I could have my hope high with my 3rd brother.
He called out for our younger sister and had her salam with me.
So, maybe he's not that bad..
I don't know, I don't want to have my hope that high.
At leastIi won't be utterly crushed if it crashes down.huhu
I am actually a fun person yo!--> is trying to tell that to her half-siblings..

Yabai!!
I feel like crying now..
This is what happens once I let my brain works..
I'm human after all, I can't be void of any feeling...
It's hard for me to share things like this with others because it's scary.
It's only when I was really down that I'd start talking.
But when I regain my composure, I'd regret ever telling people my pathetic story.
I've told Lin about this.
I couldn't help it.
I was a bit devastated the day I went to the airport that sent off my dad to mekah.
Maybe I was a bit stressed with the by-election and all that I told her.
Hopefully, she didn't remember that.fufu

Yah,
I should stop writing.
It makes me feel more pathetic that I already had..
babai