I was four.FOUR years old, and yet I didn't recognize him...

Tuesday, 02/07/2013. 12 a.m

Hi,

Okey, I cried just now.hahaha
My mom went to Puchong with Kak Long, so I have the house all to myself.
And when I am alone, well, I tend to 'express' my feeling. To myself.

Lately, I've been 'hating' my dad.
I just don't feel like picking up his calls.
So, he sort of went "Fine, if you're not talking to me, so be it. Two can play this game."
He didn't say that to me.hahaha
It's just how it went. He stops calling and stop dropping by, which I welcomed.
I don't like it when he came.

Anyway, I was examining why I have this sudden urge to avoid him.
To tell the truths, there's few incidents.
Incidents that make we go "Am I not your daughter? What am I then????"
Of course, I just shouted it in my head..

While thinking about that, I just remembered 'that' day.
The day my parents filed for divorce.
I was 4 back then, so it makes it 23 years ago.

I remembered my mom dressed me up in gown.
I remembered feeling happy, probably because it was a new gown.
We went to the court.
I think we were in the first floor, and my mom asked me to go up on the second floor and see if my dad was there.
My mom was waiting at the bottom of the stairs.
I don't know why she didn't go up and look for my dad herself.
Perhaps she was sad? It IS the day they would end their marriage after all.
I don't know...
Nah, I think she's more in a bad mood then sad.hehehe

Anyway,
I remembered climbing the stairs,feeling rather important.
Don't ask me why I felt that, I don't even know myself. Maybe for a 4-year-old kid, it felt like such an important task?
I saw a man, sitting on one of the benches, nearest to the stairs.
His arms were on his knees, and he had his head between his hands.
And then I turned around, happily announcing to my mom that "No, dad was not here".

My mom kind of got upset with me and went up herself.
The little me was like "What did I do wrong????"

My mom said that my dad WAS there, on the second floor.
Remember the man that I saw sitting on the bench?
That was him. My dad.

When I relived that memory just now, it was like I'm hit right on my face.
I was four and I didn't recognize my dad.
Let's rewrite that sentence.
WHEN I WAS 4, I STILL DIDN'T RECOGNIZE MY DAD.

I saw him and I didn't know it's him.
Good news was, he saw me too.
HE SAW ME  AND YET HE DIDN'T CALL OUT TO ME.
What does that mean??
That HE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME TOO???

I was 4 years old that time, NOT 4 MONTHS OLD.
I used to say that I grew up without my dad.
I never thought that I am VERY true.

I guess that I didn't see him around that much during the early 4 years of my life.
It's a no wonder that I didn't recognize him and him not recognizing me as well.

And this is the man that I need to call my father??
Again and again, he makes me feel like an outcast.
I never want him in my life.
He's the one intruding our life and yet, he's the one who abandon me every single time he was afraid that my stepmom would know he's with me.
THE HELL?
What am I then? Stupid?
Like that time when we went to Pok Cik Husin's house for his daughter kenduri kahwin.
He flat out refuse to admit that we came together.
So what if we came together?
I"M HIS DAUGHTER!

I can't take it anymore. Everytime I give him another chance, he blew it.
I'm just a normal human being. How much disappointment and sadness can I stand before I went nuts???

That memory, that day at the court, it was always there at the back of my head.
I've never wanted to think too much about it. I dismiss it.
But it is there, all this time.
Maybe that's the reason I can never let myself to trust him to be the good father he pretended to be.
He never was there when I grew up.
I did grow up without him.

And I hate the fact that I need him to be my wali if I ever get married.
And if he's not there, then I'd be needing my half-brothers.
Why do I still have to be connected to them?
They were never in the picture, so why do they have to be in now???

I just can't forgive.Not at the moment.

Babai.

Weird Complex

Hallo^^

I remembered sthg weird today...
I have this weird space complex.
I wanted to be on my own and yet I want some outer presence.
Doesn't make any sense huh..
Hmmm, how to put this.
It's like in my room.

I don't like it for my room at office to be too 'open'.
Meaning that I don't like people to be able to look into my room, so I have my curtain drawn.
However, at the same time I open my door because if I don't, then I felt suffocated.
I hate to be open but at the same time I refuse to be too isolated.

Weird and complicated.
Maybe that's explain the weird feeling I have everytime I saw my friends together.
I don't like getting out, mixing with people. But when they got together, I felt left out.
What is this feeling?
Wanting to be alone but end up feeling lonely....
It's hard. Everytime I act on my instinct and join them, I felt so stupid for doing so.
Because I'd end up trying hard to 'blend in', which I don't.
But when I refuse to go, I'd end up feeling so.... left out.
I hate myself for this stupid complex.

When would I be normal?
Would I ever be normal?
I suck at being with people, so I try my hardest to stay away from them.
I hate myself!!!!

I hate my current job.
It makes me hate myself even more.
My current job requires me to be confident, sure of myself, decisive, and all the strong characters.
But I am not like that.
I hate conflicts and I hate making decisions.|
I'm easily persuaded and people don't seem to follow my orders.
If only I am a bit firmer....

And I always choose the wrong moment to show my firmness.
Always the wrong situation.

So, bye bye for now....

Post Malaysian GE13 time~

Hi^^

Yep, I'm at office. So that's why I write :P

I am proud to announce that at the age of 27, I have successfully vote for the first time!!
hahahaha
To tell the truth, I was already eligible to vote in the 12th GE in 2008.
I was 22 when the 12th GE took place and this is suppose to be my 2nd time voting.
However, being the ignorant brat that I was, I didn't register my name with SPR.hehehe
Well, what do you expect. I was still studying back then! hohoho


Anyway, I want to share something today :-

By Fedtri Yahya

Khas untuk ibu bapa sekalian.... Tahukah anda bahawa.. :

1. Anak tunggal slalunye lambat cakap.  - in my case, a late walker XP

2. Anak pompuan ckp byk 3 kali daripada lelaki - I guess I can be quite talkative at times..??

3. Bermain dgn anak2 meningkatkan kegembiraan emosi mereka - this explain my emotional 
     instability... But I used to be a very happy kid! Smiling wide in all those pictures..What had happened..?

4. Anak lelaki suke fizikal touch dgn bapak. Main ultramen, pergi padang.Klu anak lelaki x dpt fizikal touch die akan suke bergaduh dgn adik2 die - will bear this in mind.Once I have kids..If ever... 

5. Interaksi antara ibu bapa dan anak dgn bermain akan membina bonding antara anak dan parent - Y_Y

6. Anak2 pun stress sbb x keluar rumah. So cuba cari masa bawa anak keluar dari rumah.

7. Anak perempuan mempunyai potensi lebih besar dari sudut kemahiran berbahasa (verbal)

8. Anak lelaki mempunya potensi yg lebih besar dari sudut kemahiran visuospatial (ruang). Asuh kelebihan ini dengan memberikan mereka peluang bersukan seperti bola sepak, menunggang basikal. Doktor galakan belikan anak basikal kerana ini akan meningkatkan skill mereka

9. Kanak-kanak yg mempunyai kemahiran membaca akan mempunyai kemahiran bertutur dan berbahasa yang baik

10. Kanak2 yg sering berdamping rapat dgn bapa mereka didapati lebih berdaya saing dlm byk hal. Lebih berkeyakinam diri, sayangkan diri sendiri, mudah menyesuaikan diri di sekolah, kemahiran interpersonal yg baik. - Like really??? So I can officially blame my father for my condition? It is his fault then that I am such a low-esteemed pathetic person...! 
If I ever have a kid, I'll try not to do this them. I never want to live the life that I've been living. 
It really pathetic to feel sorry for yourself all the time.
It's like a prison. I can't never escape from it.
At the end of the day, I will always go back to being negative, thinking that I don't deserve any happiness....

So, before I get more depressed I'll stop here.
Babai...

New Ministry, New Department!!!

Hi^^

As usual, I lied again.
Haven't been writing as much as I said I would, have I??

Anyway, I've gone through the six-month course DPA successfully.
Usually, we the PTD officers from that course would go back to our previous ministry/department.
However, luck has it that our batch, the 42nd batch, are instructed to be relocated to new ministries/departments.

Well, in one hand, I'm actually elated that I'm finally able to switch department.
Oh, by the way I'm currently serving Jabatan Pengangkutan Jalan Kelantan under the Ministry of Transportation.

However, in another, I'm quite shocked to find out that my new office is a bit stringent when it comes to spending department's allocation.
I don't expect them to lavishly spend money on us, but flight tickets are normal spending in JPP.

I guess that every place has its advantages and disadvantages.
Hopefully, life here wouldn't be as hectic as it was in JPP.
Hoping for a better working environment and a better me.
InsyaAllah...

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri 1432H

Wednesday, 31/08/2011
2.30 pm


Hello ^^

Today is the 2nd day that we Muslims celebrate Eid.
2nd day and I'm already 'imprisoned' myself in my home.huhu
Typical me...

I don't know why I reject strongly to mixing with people.
Relatives, friends..
I prefer to be on my own, doing pretty much nothing than going out, bonding with those around me.
It's funny.
I'd always end up thinking about Ohno when I touch this matter.
I can't help it.
argggggg!!
I keep thinking that we are sort of similar.
So why does he receive so much love from people around him when I do not???

Remember Nadya, remember.
He's not like you, and you're not like him.
He's gentle and considerate.
You're not.
Yes, he may likes to spend time on his own. But he also spend times with his friends.
His tsuri friend, his raji-tomo..
See?? He's adorable that way.
That's why he is loved by those who him.
You're not like him.
That's why you're not loved by those around you..

LOL at me almost shedding tears writing this.
Blame it on Ashita no Kioku playing on my phone right now.
It's a sad song, somehow...

It's 2.45 pm.
And I don't think I'll be going anywhere this day.
Somehow it's comforting.
Knowing that people forget me because I choose to keep a distance.
I'll only have myself to blame for it. Because I choose to, not because they hate me.
It's a bit mental, I know that.huhu
I guess I'm afraid of getting close to people.
I suck at that..
I'd tried to overcome that, I'd tried really hard to get close.
But at the end of the day I'd just get tired.
It's tiresome..At least for me..

Jaa, babai...

Hi^^

Ah, I lied again eh?
I haven't been writing as much as I said I would.
Anyway, I've moved to new division. Finance division.
I thought this would bring new wind of change.
What do you know, I'm still the same old me.
The one who procrastinate a lot.
The one who hates her job.
The one who is cursed with low self-esteem.
So yeah, I'm pathetic..!
How did it turn so gloomy?
I though about writing something happy...:(
Only Ohno Satoshi can make feel cheery.
That is to some extent..

If I think about wanting to be like him, then I'd be really down.
If I saw his face - preferably in tv screen, alive and kicking -I'd be love-struck to maximum level.
There's no way you can hate that chubby-cheek adorable old man.
NO WAY!
He's too cute to be hated...
Cute old man, I envy you Y_Y

Working is like HELL for me!!

SOOOOOOOOOOO,
why do I hate work so much?
Am I that negative that I hate everythig, EVERYTHING?
Stupid office with its ,okay I'm going to be rational, impossible staffs!
Damn it!!!!!
I hate it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Stupid, stupid,stupid!!!
Just listening to the voices outside makes me want to strangle each and every one of them!!
STUPID!!!!!!!!!

-----------------------------
Feb 6th

What the hell??!! *point above*

I must have really lost my mind that day.
I don't even remember why I was so pissed off that day..
I really don't remember!
It's like the weirdest emotional explosion I've ever experienced. It must be VERY weird that I completely forgot what it was about..hmmm