Emmm,, hi..?

Hello!!
Happy New Year!
Yep, welcome 2016 '^-^

So, it has been two years eh? Ehehe..he
Two eventful years. fuhhhh.
I've changed workplace 3 times since the last time I wrote here.
When I reread my earlier posts, I ended up laughing.
I sure have problems with writing maturely, haven't I?
To be frank, I am still having that problem.

Anyways, a little update on my life.
In January 2014, I was transferred to JPJ Selangor.
There was restructuring done by JPA, where they appointed JPJ's officers instead of my people.
I believe I've never disclosed my profession so I'll just refer to it as 'my people'.huhu
It wasn't even a month after that I was again transferred.
This time to JPJ HQ in Putrajaya.
hmmmm, working in HQ was a nightmare to me.
I ended up being problematic, rebellious and flat out lazy.
Urghh, just typing about it bring back bad memories.
Once again, I clashed with my Director.
I did doubt myself okey.
It felt like I was the problematic one.
What are the odds that I ended up with a lousy boss again, right?
People say that if you're having problem with everybody, it might be that YOU are the problem, not everyone else.
However, this boss beat the others by miles in terms of being a lousy boss!

I do not want to 'slaughter' him here, because I know that I am far from being a perfect staff myself.
It is enough to say that I did stand up to him big time.
I have never dream of having confrontation with my boss, but with him, I'd done it multiple times, up to my last day.
Oh yeah, in November 2015, I got promoted and was able to transfer back to Kelantan. wooohoooo.
I now served at JKJR Kelantan ^_^


One more thing, my father passed away in August 2015.
On the 21st, if my memory serves me right.
It's queer, isn't it?
This should be the highlight of my post, the death of my father is no small matter, right?
Until today, I am still disconnected with him.
I am so sorry dad.
That's just how our relationship goes.
Cold and disconnected.

Okey, writing about my father's death reminds me of my half-siblings.
God, I beginning to hate them.
Remember before this, I told you that I do not have any feelings towards them.
No resentment and of course no love. Duhh.
However, after my father died it felt like they are trying to force their presence in my life.
Helloooo, we are strangers.
Our whole life, we have never reach out to each other.
They live their lives, I live mine.
And all of sudden, they barge in into my life just like that.

I won't back off this time.
I should consider your feeling?
What about my feeling?
Have you ever see it from my perspective?
I have been an only child my entire life.
You guys have each other AND our father since the beginning of your live.
Yes, I once yearned for siblings.
Well, that was a long long long time ago.
I am almost 30 now ( in 11 days, i'm getting older T_T)
It was too little too late, don't you think?

So yeah,
That's basically what had happened to me these past two years.
I promise to write more frequently ( I'll try!!) because I love writing.
It reminds me of the little thing (or not too little) that happens in my life.


Babai!!

* Ah, no Ohno-thingy ninja-ing in this post. :P

2 Months & 18 Days..

And I'll be 28.
28 years OLD.
Imagine that..
28 years old and I'm still like 'this'
I swear to myself that I'd change, but look at me..
Have I changed? Have I turned over a new leaf?
I have NOT, have I..?

You might be wandering why the sudden writing again, huh? huhuhu...
Today, during lunch (or rather on our way back from having lunch) my friend, the other officer, revealed something to me.
Apparently the no 1 boss in my office thinks that I don't really do my job.
My initial response was that of a calm demeanor.
Because I myself was thinking the same too.
But then, I realised 'Hey, I DID do my work"
Back then during the "majlis penutup" (can't find that word in Englis xp) for that S***, I was going back and fro trying to make sure that everything went smoothly.
My boss? HE was only there for rehearsal the night before the event.
The rehearsal, that in my opinion, is NOT a rehearsal at all. Baik xyah buat pun. Bazir masa tido ak je!!

I don't know...
If he felt that I'm not doing a good enough job, then why didn't he tell me?
Why didn't he give me directions, give me guidance?
Instead he complained to my friend.
Sometimes I feel like he treated me that way because I choose to disagree with him on more than one occasions.
The reason why?
He's stingy!!
So damn stingy that it makes my blood boils!!
You know, I myself DO NOT support spending government's money for petty reasons.
However, when you want to hold a big event BUT you refuse to give some allocation for that?
That's ridiculous!! 
S*** is this important event for my department.
My boss, he wanted to have it BIG, but the budget was like...are u f****** me???
And then, there's another instances when he firmly ordered us to buy "drinking water" instead of "mineral water" for this joran sthg event.
The participants paid RM35 each. They were forced to buy the coupon, the least we could do is to provide them with things that worth the RM35 the were forced to pay.
I can't accept that. That's cheap.
The way he went about the matter is "We need to minimize the cost so we could gain more profit. It's for our use too"
"Our use" my a**!!!
And then there's the jamuan raya. Apparently they had it at night before this.Where?
At the office. Yup, imagine that.
Jamuan raya, at night, at office.
Kalu buat kat hotel, ak boleh terima. Tapi, ofis?? OFFICE?
The reason why is to cut budget. Obviously, other departments won't be coming, right?

This year, we have it at the office, but during the day.
Problem is, we'd expecting many people since we deal with a lot of customers during the day.
And then there's nearby departments.
However, he only gave us allocation for 200-300 persons.
I saw with my own eyes this one uncle that queue but didn't get to eat.
And where was him during this??
Safely away at a meeting.
Gosh,I always end u with extreme bosses.
The one that spend extra lavishly and this one that's extra stringy!!!!

Man, I just can't make myself agree with him.
He doesn't listen to what I want to say.
He's stubborn and a typical senior gov servant, where their words rule.
Well, I'm sorry but if I see it wrong, then I will not going to follow blindly.
And I'm sorry if I'm not a 'kaki kipas"'
He does not know that I don't have plan to go further with my current job.
Honestly, I don't think I care.
I am positive that I can take it calmly if I never move up in this line of work.
Because the higher I get, the more responsibility that I have to bear.
And I don't think that I am ready to bear that burden just yet.

So, yeah..
I'm forever pessimistic and negative..

So yeahh, I need an Ohno in my life. HA. You don't see it coming, do you?? xp
Ohno never fail to sneak himself in my entry..
Now, I wish more than ever to become him.
I wish we could have traded place one day, and he'd help in making people to like me..
He has that effect on people..
Get to know him and you'd be attracted to him, in the same way the 4 members of Arashi adore him.
Ii ne, Ohno Satoshi.
The ever sweet, gentle,adorable, dorky, beautiful, kakkoi Riida..
You're lucky to be you..

I was four.FOUR years old, and yet I didn't recognize him...

Tuesday, 02/07/2013. 12 a.m

Hi,

Okey, I cried just now.hahaha
My mom went to Puchong with Kak Long, so I have the house all to myself.
And when I am alone, well, I tend to 'express' my feeling. To myself.

Lately, I've been 'hating' my dad.
I just don't feel like picking up his calls.
So, he sort of went "Fine, if you're not talking to me, so be it. Two can play this game."
He didn't say that to me.hahaha
It's just how it went. He stops calling and stop dropping by, which I welcomed.
I don't like it when he came.

Anyway, I was examining why I have this sudden urge to avoid him.
To tell the truths, there's few incidents.
Incidents that make we go "Am I not your daughter? What am I then????"
Of course, I just shouted it in my head..

While thinking about that, I just remembered 'that' day.
The day my parents filed for divorce.
I was 4 back then, so it makes it 23 years ago.

I remembered my mom dressed me up in gown.
I remembered feeling happy, probably because it was a new gown.
We went to the court.
I think we were in the first floor, and my mom asked me to go up on the second floor and see if my dad was there.
My mom was waiting at the bottom of the stairs.
I don't know why she didn't go up and look for my dad herself.
Perhaps she was sad? It IS the day they would end their marriage after all.
I don't know...
Nah, I think she's more in a bad mood then sad.hehehe

Anyway,
I remembered climbing the stairs,feeling rather important.
Don't ask me why I felt that, I don't even know myself. Maybe for a 4-year-old kid, it felt like such an important task?
I saw a man, sitting on one of the benches, nearest to the stairs.
His arms were on his knees, and he had his head between his hands.
And then I turned around, happily announcing to my mom that "No, dad was not here".

My mom kind of got upset with me and went up herself.
The little me was like "What did I do wrong????"

My mom said that my dad WAS there, on the second floor.
Remember the man that I saw sitting on the bench?
That was him. My dad.

When I relived that memory just now, it was like I'm hit right on my face.
I was four and I didn't recognize my dad.
Let's rewrite that sentence.
WHEN I WAS 4, I STILL DIDN'T RECOGNIZE MY DAD.

I saw him and I didn't know it's him.
Good news was, he saw me too.
HE SAW ME  AND YET HE DIDN'T CALL OUT TO ME.
What does that mean??
That HE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME TOO???

I was 4 years old that time, NOT 4 MONTHS OLD.
I used to say that I grew up without my dad.
I never thought that I am VERY true.

I guess that I didn't see him around that much during the early 4 years of my life.
It's a no wonder that I didn't recognize him and him not recognizing me as well.

And this is the man that I need to call my father??
Again and again, he makes me feel like an outcast.
I never want him in my life.
He's the one intruding our life and yet, he's the one who abandon me every single time he was afraid that my stepmom would know he's with me.
THE HELL?
What am I then? Stupid?
Like that time when we went to Pok Cik Husin's house for his daughter kenduri kahwin.
He flat out refuse to admit that we came together.
So what if we came together?
I"M HIS DAUGHTER!

I can't take it anymore. Everytime I give him another chance, he blew it.
I'm just a normal human being. How much disappointment and sadness can I stand before I went nuts???

That memory, that day at the court, it was always there at the back of my head.
I've never wanted to think too much about it. I dismiss it.
But it is there, all this time.
Maybe that's the reason I can never let myself to trust him to be the good father he pretended to be.
He never was there when I grew up.
I did grow up without him.

And I hate the fact that I need him to be my wali if I ever get married.
And if he's not there, then I'd be needing my half-brothers.
Why do I still have to be connected to them?
They were never in the picture, so why do they have to be in now???

I just can't forgive.Not at the moment.

Babai.

Weird Complex

Hallo^^

I remembered sthg weird today...
I have this weird space complex.
I wanted to be on my own and yet I want some outer presence.
Doesn't make any sense huh..
Hmmm, how to put this.
It's like in my room.

I don't like it for my room at office to be too 'open'.
Meaning that I don't like people to be able to look into my room, so I have my curtain drawn.
However, at the same time I open my door because if I don't, then I felt suffocated.
I hate to be open but at the same time I refuse to be too isolated.

Weird and complicated.
Maybe that's explain the weird feeling I have everytime I saw my friends together.
I don't like getting out, mixing with people. But when they got together, I felt left out.
What is this feeling?
Wanting to be alone but end up feeling lonely....
It's hard. Everytime I act on my instinct and join them, I felt so stupid for doing so.
Because I'd end up trying hard to 'blend in', which I don't.
But when I refuse to go, I'd end up feeling so.... left out.
I hate myself for this stupid complex.

When would I be normal?
Would I ever be normal?
I suck at being with people, so I try my hardest to stay away from them.
I hate myself!!!!

I hate my current job.
It makes me hate myself even more.
My current job requires me to be confident, sure of myself, decisive, and all the strong characters.
But I am not like that.
I hate conflicts and I hate making decisions.|
I'm easily persuaded and people don't seem to follow my orders.
If only I am a bit firmer....

And I always choose the wrong moment to show my firmness.
Always the wrong situation.

So, bye bye for now....

Post Malaysian GE13 time~

Hi^^

Yep, I'm at office. So that's why I write :P

I am proud to announce that at the age of 27, I have successfully vote for the first time!!
hahahaha
To tell the truth, I was already eligible to vote in the 12th GE in 2008.
I was 22 when the 12th GE took place and this is suppose to be my 2nd time voting.
However, being the ignorant brat that I was, I didn't register my name with SPR.hehehe
Well, what do you expect. I was still studying back then! hohoho


Anyway, I want to share something today :-

By Fedtri Yahya

Khas untuk ibu bapa sekalian.... Tahukah anda bahawa.. :

1. Anak tunggal slalunye lambat cakap.  - in my case, a late walker XP

2. Anak pompuan ckp byk 3 kali daripada lelaki - I guess I can be quite talkative at times..??

3. Bermain dgn anak2 meningkatkan kegembiraan emosi mereka - this explain my emotional 
     instability... But I used to be a very happy kid! Smiling wide in all those pictures..What had happened..?

4. Anak lelaki suke fizikal touch dgn bapak. Main ultramen, pergi padang.Klu anak lelaki x dpt fizikal touch die akan suke bergaduh dgn adik2 die - will bear this in mind.Once I have kids..If ever... 

5. Interaksi antara ibu bapa dan anak dgn bermain akan membina bonding antara anak dan parent - Y_Y

6. Anak2 pun stress sbb x keluar rumah. So cuba cari masa bawa anak keluar dari rumah.

7. Anak perempuan mempunyai potensi lebih besar dari sudut kemahiran berbahasa (verbal)

8. Anak lelaki mempunya potensi yg lebih besar dari sudut kemahiran visuospatial (ruang). Asuh kelebihan ini dengan memberikan mereka peluang bersukan seperti bola sepak, menunggang basikal. Doktor galakan belikan anak basikal kerana ini akan meningkatkan skill mereka

9. Kanak-kanak yg mempunyai kemahiran membaca akan mempunyai kemahiran bertutur dan berbahasa yang baik

10. Kanak2 yg sering berdamping rapat dgn bapa mereka didapati lebih berdaya saing dlm byk hal. Lebih berkeyakinam diri, sayangkan diri sendiri, mudah menyesuaikan diri di sekolah, kemahiran interpersonal yg baik. - Like really??? So I can officially blame my father for my condition? It is his fault then that I am such a low-esteemed pathetic person...! 
If I ever have a kid, I'll try not to do this them. I never want to live the life that I've been living. 
It really pathetic to feel sorry for yourself all the time.
It's like a prison. I can't never escape from it.
At the end of the day, I will always go back to being negative, thinking that I don't deserve any happiness....

So, before I get more depressed I'll stop here.
Babai...

New Ministry, New Department!!!

Hi^^

As usual, I lied again.
Haven't been writing as much as I said I would, have I??

Anyway, I've gone through the six-month course DPA successfully.
Usually, we the PTD officers from that course would go back to our previous ministry/department.
However, luck has it that our batch, the 42nd batch, are instructed to be relocated to new ministries/departments.

Well, in one hand, I'm actually elated that I'm finally able to switch department.
Oh, by the way I'm currently serving Jabatan Pengangkutan Jalan Kelantan under the Ministry of Transportation.

However, in another, I'm quite shocked to find out that my new office is a bit stringent when it comes to spending department's allocation.
I don't expect them to lavishly spend money on us, but flight tickets are normal spending in JPP.

I guess that every place has its advantages and disadvantages.
Hopefully, life here wouldn't be as hectic as it was in JPP.
Hoping for a better working environment and a better me.
InsyaAllah...

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri 1432H

Wednesday, 31/08/2011
2.30 pm


Hello ^^

Today is the 2nd day that we Muslims celebrate Eid.
2nd day and I'm already 'imprisoned' myself in my home.huhu
Typical me...

I don't know why I reject strongly to mixing with people.
Relatives, friends..
I prefer to be on my own, doing pretty much nothing than going out, bonding with those around me.
It's funny.
I'd always end up thinking about Ohno when I touch this matter.
I can't help it.
argggggg!!
I keep thinking that we are sort of similar.
So why does he receive so much love from people around him when I do not???

Remember Nadya, remember.
He's not like you, and you're not like him.
He's gentle and considerate.
You're not.
Yes, he may likes to spend time on his own. But he also spend times with his friends.
His tsuri friend, his raji-tomo..
See?? He's adorable that way.
That's why he is loved by those who him.
You're not like him.
That's why you're not loved by those around you..

LOL at me almost shedding tears writing this.
Blame it on Ashita no Kioku playing on my phone right now.
It's a sad song, somehow...

It's 2.45 pm.
And I don't think I'll be going anywhere this day.
Somehow it's comforting.
Knowing that people forget me because I choose to keep a distance.
I'll only have myself to blame for it. Because I choose to, not because they hate me.
It's a bit mental, I know that.huhu
I guess I'm afraid of getting close to people.
I suck at that..
I'd tried to overcome that, I'd tried really hard to get close.
But at the end of the day I'd just get tired.
It's tiresome..At least for me..

Jaa, babai...